WOW

i thought college was supposed to be the time of oppurtunity. Of sex, drugs, people, new friends, dating, and fun, and school too. as of right now i have one of those SCHOOL, it takes so long and its soo hard watching everyone else go party and have fun when you are working your ass off, and you want to go and say screw it like in highschool but you cant because SOMEONE is paying thousnads of dollars for you to be able to do that work. I appreciate that soo much and thats myy problem. I respect and appreciate things too much. I should jsut let go, just go and get shit faced and jigh and laid all in the same night!! but i wont, i cant thats not what i want, i know what i want. I cant have what i want, i want more time i want to go back for the first time ever, i want to meet HER, and i want it NOW. Nothing else matters thats it. But right now everything EXCEPT that seems to have to matter or else what is the point? Im waiting here, is the bus gonna stop or am i gonna have to jump in front of it?

Sisters

Gosh Ive been packing for college whcich has been really hectic but not to bad. But then my sister came in and was looking at all my stuff, like my memorabilia, trophies, and awards and just sentemental things. She picked up this red glass that i got this year at prom and was looking at it, but i was pack so i wasn thinking about it. Well me and my ex-girfriend had put our fingerprints on the glass on the bottom to remember. Well even before my sister said anything I got a wierd feeling like something bad was gonna happen. Then as i looked up she was tearing the wax off and I just went from 0 to 100 and flipped on her. I chased her through the house and just like layed her out. I feel kinda bad about laying her out but ya know you, you don tfuck with peoples shit like that. I dont know why I flipped like i did its not like she broke the glass or anything. I guess you cant preserve your stuff forever.

Which way do i turn

Wow what is going on? Im sooo confused. Im going to State next week and Im excited, but I dont know. I thought I had finally convinced myself I might find someone else, but I havent yet. It was so natural before but now I try to keep going and i dont get anywhere. I guess maybe Im telling myself I want to go but I know that im intentionally leaving the parking brake on.
What does this mean? Ive got to focus first but I dont know. Do I go forward or am I flipped around and forward is backward and backward is forward. IDK

I dont know! Im back here. Im sorry i havent been on in a while. Im lost again, Brian has been gone three weeks and im about to be done working. I cant wait for college. I took the day off to meet with this girl and at first i thought she was standing me up but it turns out she had an alright reason. Im still pissed about it though, right now my life seems like such a waste. I have called coutless people and everyone seems to be busy. I think Im doomed some days. I have no one to really lean on, someone that will always be there, anytime. The golden rule is wrong just cause you drop everthing when ever anyone needs help doesnt mean that even one person will be there when you need help.

Except you, you couldnt love me and I believe you wanted too I do. You are still trying to be there but I think you realize you cant cause then i could fall deeper. But just because you cant doesnt mean I cant. If I would have said it would it have helped? I wanted to be able to prove it first, then say it soo you knew I ment it, and I do. I realize it couldnt ha ve been that kind but I can still be there for you,and love you, and help you with anything. I can and will be your step so you can reach the stars I dont care if your feet are muddy, or if you stand on my back to look for him. Now all i care about i guess is that you are atleast on my back.

Im horrible, now all i do is fight with my mom again all the time. Sometimes I wish that i could just go to sleep forever. I mean that wouldnt be so bad would it? Like i would never have to worry about anything again, or cover somones ass when they screw up. I would get to the finish faster. But what do i want to finish? I dont know