So I finally got home yesterday and I've sarted to help clean the house. I had to work with the dogs to train them on the fence again today. I ve been pretty good... the girl ive been attempting with as due to my luck got sick last week so i havent seen her in a week and i feel like giving up. I hopped online and sarah messaged me instantly... i dont even know what to do there DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND GO THE HELLL AWAY? I mean im nice and talk to her but she just keeps popping up I WANT HER MORE THAN ANYTHING and I do mean anything i dont know whats wrong with me. I mean I would trade so much for her, my car, time to live, my kidney ( and yes im serious) i mean honestly i dont have that much to give it would all be worth it in my opinion if i could have her. Just the effects of her being mine for a day would outweigh all the happiness ive felt in the past YEAR. Theres something about her and she keeps at me i mean im about to quit dance cause i cant stand seeing her... its not that it didnt work. Its the fact she doesnt care and wont give it a chance she fights it ALLLLLLL the time then when i pull away she starts popping up. I DONT FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. If life's really this miserable I want NO part in it, if this is the race than i quit cause im tired of it. Im tired of what i want being in a glass case, right there and attainable. Some would say hang on... but i have some would say try to break the glass yet all i do is get cute, ive even walked away from the glass and somehow like the DAMN wonkavator it follows me. I see why the japanese always died in combat... cause its not worth being tortured... its the only sure way to avoid torture. When you know theres no high left thats when you fold you turn the cards in cause all you're gonna do is end up putting more in the pot only to loose it... ive folded multiple times but if im gonna lose i may as well lose big i may as well quit now leave the game. cut my losses, save myself the failure, the humiliation, the realization that no matter how bad i want something that i know is there it DOESNT FUCKING MATTER cause im not gonna get it and when you take away a mans muse his reason for working his motivation... you may as well take his life. I feel like all i worked for all this time has just ended in nothingness it all ends in letters a b c d and f but you know those letters dont spell HAPPY. I dont want to give up, i dont want to lose but ive been losing at life since i could spell the word lose. Ive always lost the things that mean the most, some would say school.... thers pleanty of people in the world 25,00000 times happier than me and they dont even know waht school it. ive felt flickers and thats the worst feeling of all... knowing that that person is there fighting time and time putting it all out there, time after time after time and getting i dont knows and stuff. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? I cant make you say yes and with everytime you say no my life means that much less and right now its worth a little less than the penny and the government is about to get rid of that.
Ive tried ive tried but what comes from tried is tired and thats what i am tired of being good enough to ask for anything but not being good enough to get anything. tired of helping with everything you and everyone else need and not being able to have the ONE THE ONLY thing i want, ill trade it for my tuition, my education. I mean if i could be with her dead i would give my life for her but it doesnt matter. And now that after a year and a half ive spotted some hope she lies and says that it wasnt real and then i spot some more and it gets sick and retreats back. I can't get it I can't win its like a test of 2+2 and 2+3 and though i know hte answers 4 and 5 are right... somehow they were able to change the correct answeres to 22 and 23. Ive tried it all ive done it all when im right im wrong when im wrong im wronger. WHATS THE FING POINT
I GIVE THE FUCK UP
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
So uh today was goooood I studied with the gilr that i see across the room in calculus everyday. I always thought she was cute but today, when we finally met up, the way she was coughing cause she is slightly sick thats why she wasnt in class this morning. We studied and we seemed to be similar in the way we handled the class. Shes the same major as I for the most part, the way she called me today... never before speaking to me but somewhat shy yet confidnet..."Hey Daniel, right?" it just made my day. She left on a note of I guess im gonna see you tomorrow and that excited me.
Then i went to dance tonight sarah met me in my building... i was laying there resting waiting for her to come to me in both senses. Then all of a sudden I awaken to a jerk and "Good morning sunshine" with a beautiful smile. We walk and talk like we normally do, and she just seems to cloister to me more. Ever since I wrote that note and gave it to her shes been acting nicer. We danced and it was FUN without emotional ties... just the way she felt next to me, the way she was across from me and she learned at my same pace, the way that when I messed up she got ajitated but didnt get mad and just smiled and we reset. We kept going till we got it then we just looked at each other and smiled. She and I both got kinda tired by the end of the 2.5 hours so we left I mean we were both zoning out. We walked back and talked and her friend called her. She got off the phone and i could tell that her friend needed help so i asked her about what was up. Sarah told me that it was some guy that she and her friend were'nt sure about and her firend inda liked. She said hes kinda wishy washy and we can't tell and in the back of my head i was thinking that it was probably them that was screwing with him and he was decisive, but i didnt say it. So we walked and talked a few minutes and then she brought it up one last time. this time though something felt her gaze come upon me as I was slightly in front walking, as she said "But hes a really nice guy" as she said this something made me feel that she was also talking about me too and it made me feel good. We walked the remaining 300 feet and I split off saying "im gonna sit out here a while" hoping she would at least think to come but nope it was too cold and she had too much to do. So I chatted a minute and she said HEY LETS dance monday too cause we're had some space lately and i could kinda feel like theres a small chance, maybe the fact that I was so honest and really like her sunk into her head and shes gotten past not giving me a shot, cause ive earned it. IDK but i do care i want to have a shot but im not gonna work for it until she lets me know i have it, till i know she wont fight the natural mesh. I said ill call you later and she seemed happy with that like "sure id like that." Anyway I wished her a goodnight and she told me not to freze to death.
I dont know i feel like a little confused but in a good spot... the girl that i like and the girl that i near about fell off the world for are right around here. I feel like sarah's really geting through her head WHY NOT hes not gonna throw everything away. But i also have to realize that she may have just stuck me further in the friend zone but it seems like thats not a bad place either. Idk and Jillian really cute the way she just is and responded, I honestly think that she could probably pull me past sarah unless sarah does something soon and like i said im kicking back and talking to jillian, sarah seems to be trying to make the friendship work atleast and then maybe shell keep going until we hit something else.
Then i went to dance tonight sarah met me in my building... i was laying there resting waiting for her to come to me in both senses. Then all of a sudden I awaken to a jerk and "Good morning sunshine" with a beautiful smile. We walk and talk like we normally do, and she just seems to cloister to me more. Ever since I wrote that note and gave it to her shes been acting nicer. We danced and it was FUN without emotional ties... just the way she felt next to me, the way she was across from me and she learned at my same pace, the way that when I messed up she got ajitated but didnt get mad and just smiled and we reset. We kept going till we got it then we just looked at each other and smiled. She and I both got kinda tired by the end of the 2.5 hours so we left I mean we were both zoning out. We walked back and talked and her friend called her. She got off the phone and i could tell that her friend needed help so i asked her about what was up. Sarah told me that it was some guy that she and her friend were'nt sure about and her firend inda liked. She said hes kinda wishy washy and we can't tell and in the back of my head i was thinking that it was probably them that was screwing with him and he was decisive, but i didnt say it. So we walked and talked a few minutes and then she brought it up one last time. this time though something felt her gaze come upon me as I was slightly in front walking, as she said "But hes a really nice guy" as she said this something made me feel that she was also talking about me too and it made me feel good. We walked the remaining 300 feet and I split off saying "im gonna sit out here a while" hoping she would at least think to come but nope it was too cold and she had too much to do. So I chatted a minute and she said HEY LETS dance monday too cause we're had some space lately and i could kinda feel like theres a small chance, maybe the fact that I was so honest and really like her sunk into her head and shes gotten past not giving me a shot, cause ive earned it. IDK but i do care i want to have a shot but im not gonna work for it until she lets me know i have it, till i know she wont fight the natural mesh. I said ill call you later and she seemed happy with that like "sure id like that." Anyway I wished her a goodnight and she told me not to freze to death.
I dont know i feel like a little confused but in a good spot... the girl that i like and the girl that i near about fell off the world for are right around here. I feel like sarah's really geting through her head WHY NOT hes not gonna throw everything away. But i also have to realize that she may have just stuck me further in the friend zone but it seems like thats not a bad place either. Idk and Jillian really cute the way she just is and responded, I honestly think that she could probably pull me past sarah unless sarah does something soon and like i said im kicking back and talking to jillian, sarah seems to be trying to make the friendship work atleast and then maybe shell keep going until we hit something else.
Monday, November 17, 2008
There she goes...there she goes again
The hectic week ahead will soon lead to the eye of the storm that is a hurricane called fall semester. Once I return the downpour will resume but this time flooding will occur. By flooding I mean the overwhelming amount of studying and information that will saturate my brain and the information runoff in the quest for the most essential knowledge.
So I went most of the day.. just fine learning what i needed to and such. In fact i felt reborn I had acquired two targets possible in the sights so I was like "YEAH" I'm ready shes in the back back of my head but I can continue onward... then i went to the gym worked out and got hungry so we went to eat. When I got there.... there she was, like shes being thrown in my face, I got more food and she was leaving while i was getting my second plate but she stopped by the exit and came back to find me and to speak, like a concerted effort. We talked for a sec and she introduced me to her friend Luisa who was nice but I had food to eat and to avoid the degradation of conversation i bailed out (ha ha)... so I ate and went to do work. After the work will and I had to meet people back in the gym to work abs so we made the journey... when we get to the top story we walk in and THERE SHE WAS AGAIN we spoke again and I carried on. She ran and I ran she worked legs and I worked abs then we ran into one another again... we talk a bit more and my Friends and I walked ACROSS the gym to the bench to press where we worked a few minutes, as she was leaving she sought me out YET again to say goodbye and she was joking about dance on Wednesday. So we talked and she introduced me for the last time to her friend whom i struck up a mini conversation with for a second. They left and I returned here where I am now typing.
What is it? Why is she always in front of me..? She seeks me out... and I chat but walk away but yet she searches for me again... and again... and again... literally in the smaller and larger scheme. I try to give it space... but its like she won't like she has to talk to me but yet she says theres nothing, like my presence draws her in but I'm not able to grab her. WTF!?!?!?!?!? I've determined to talk to other girls in fact I have found two to talk to, but we'll see how it goes. with my luck shes gonna come around once Ive got one of the others on the ropes.
So I went most of the day.. just fine learning what i needed to and such. In fact i felt reborn I had acquired two targets possible in the sights so I was like "YEAH" I'm ready shes in the back back of my head but I can continue onward... then i went to the gym worked out and got hungry so we went to eat. When I got there.... there she was, like shes being thrown in my face, I got more food and she was leaving while i was getting my second plate but she stopped by the exit and came back to find me and to speak, like a concerted effort. We talked for a sec and she introduced me to her friend Luisa who was nice but I had food to eat and to avoid the degradation of conversation i bailed out (ha ha)... so I ate and went to do work. After the work will and I had to meet people back in the gym to work abs so we made the journey... when we get to the top story we walk in and THERE SHE WAS AGAIN we spoke again and I carried on. She ran and I ran she worked legs and I worked abs then we ran into one another again... we talk a bit more and my Friends and I walked ACROSS the gym to the bench to press where we worked a few minutes, as she was leaving she sought me out YET again to say goodbye and she was joking about dance on Wednesday. So we talked and she introduced me for the last time to her friend whom i struck up a mini conversation with for a second. They left and I returned here where I am now typing.
What is it? Why is she always in front of me..? She seeks me out... and I chat but walk away but yet she searches for me again... and again... and again... literally in the smaller and larger scheme. I try to give it space... but its like she won't like she has to talk to me but yet she says theres nothing, like my presence draws her in but I'm not able to grab her. WTF!?!?!?!?!? I've determined to talk to other girls in fact I have found two to talk to, but we'll see how it goes. with my luck shes gonna come around once Ive got one of the others on the ropes.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Could it be the one for me Im not right for her.
Wow the past year has been a rollercoaster. From literally the day I set eyes on her no one else mattered it has been my mission to get her not because i said i would but because i knew i would. The way she pursued me to start and I took it slow... she was fresh on the market and not ready yet. I moved past it for a couple weeks with another girl but then she started to get me. When christmas commercials came I thought of sarah not of alex and I knew it must end. So we talked daily over the winter break constantly friendly yet like we knew we were interested.
The next semester began and she inquired about us taking a Ballroom class together... of course who would want to do that unless there's a girl in it. So we did and we talked and I would tell her of the things to do around and she would tell me of how shed love to go to the art gallery with me wants to go camp with me but nothing ever worked out.... not because she couldn't but because the schedules didnt work. So we leave on the note of good and head into summer.
Over the summer we talk infrequently she starts talking to someone else but never mentions it as though she doesnt want me to know like if i knew it would kill her chances. I mailed her a birthday present this year, a book, one that I knew she wanted and she loved it and a sentimental yet not to over the top card, she knew what it meant but I couldnt act... it was summer time. She frequently asked how far i was from raleigh like she was going to visit but it never materialized.
The school year started and I was killing hope. She called me a good bit though asking for help on this if she could borrow that, like i was the only one that could help. They made it official and then it hit me there was no chance. i was killing hope as fast as i could I was meeting new people, I was still her friend though... we danced and had fun. then out of no where one day the pain on her face was there... I knew what had happened he was gone. I talked to her for literllly 5 seconds and she completely flipped around.... like he didnt matter she was with me... her smile and her peppy step made me feel good about it. From there she started flirting with me, she would look at me and just smile and that was the only thing I could manage. She would say things that were a bit wierd but she was comfortable saying them around me cause she seemed to know I wouldt care. I tried not to let the door open but it did ever so slightly. People came to ask "are you dating" and friends who knew we weren't said "Daniel I def think she likes you" but I had been through it before but for some reason it was diffrent... others saw it too. We danced and a competition in Maryland was fast approaching. One day i just asked her LETS GO TO THE FAIR the half second it took her to respond seemed like a half hour. She even through in the work of the devil... ":)" yes that. So we went and it was rainy the others were bickering so we went off to do our own thing, I should have done it there, but it had only been a week and a half since it had ended. she left and I walked her out.... later she texted me about how good a time she had and the next time i saw her she said so again without prompting. my grades slipped on a test and we had a talk that week and she sat me down and looked at me and explained what the problem may have been but she prefaced it with "Daniel I feel like I can always tell you honestly, I can be blunt..." she proceded to tell me how i got over confidnet on tests.
the week of the comp came and we practiced almost everyday... we were betterand better. She had repeatedly told me that the my following week was hard and she would understand if i couldnt go, she wanted me to do well on my tests, she cared. I reassured her looking her in the eye... "I want to go with you" I know she knew what i meant but I dont know if she picked up on what I really meant. We left and the first day was good... up till here i was chill not making any moves but it was time to start. i went outside for a while to think once we got settled just to think and sure enoguh she called to see where i had gone, somehow with all the people around she knew i was gone. the next day I just put my arm over her chair at diffrent points testing the water..... she always looked at me and smilled. Later that night she did the same thing when I went outside except in a text "Daniel you shouldnt be out this late its dark........." Yet the next day I tested the waters again I would pull her in to tell her something one hand on her side and the other firmly planted on her thigh, letting her know Im here. So a few moments later she turned to me putting her nose in my ear and smiling... as if to say, Im here too everytings gonna be good. It was like all of a sudden we understood each other without speaking. So we got back and we hopped in the car to go home but before we did everyone ran inside but me... i was thinking again in the serenity that is outside. she came out to see me... but i had to go up and get my bathroom bag... i brought it out and sat on the stairs... she came and sat beside me but everyone started down the stairs inside so i wouldnt have time to talk. I sat there rubbing her back as everyone ran out past us into the car and they all sensed the emotion as they appologized. As we left she got in the car and she layed it on... a normally proper straight backed girl was now slauched in her seat twirling her hair humming but the guy up front wouldnt stop talking to me .... i wanted to kiss her but he wouldnt shut up and turn around. So I pulled her into the middle as best as I could trying to make her comfortable but it was hard with all the stuff she awoke as the car jerked and said to me "did you sleep ok"...... but in the sweetest voice ever. We got back at 4 and I had a test at 8 so I went straight to bed... but as i was leavign she said call me tommorrow I wanna know how everything goes and she gave me a hug but I think she expected it right there.... yet she was talking to someone... i wasnt gonna do it right there. The week was rought i did well on my tests and the weekend after sucked... we got back monday and I texted her late that night.... "can you talk a minute" we arent on the same page she said to me. I didnt understand it wasnt just me it was others, I quoted some of the things she said to me in her QUITE OBVIOUSLY flirty tone. She acted at first like are you sure BUT SHE SAW HOW SURE I WAS. she appologized and I told her to go but she stayed we talked and again I said go and she stayed finally she left and I sat there a couple minutes. I saw her on wednesday and she never looked better I held it bakc though cause we have to be friends thats what we've always been. I walked her back... and I gave her a poem i had written a week befor and told her that it was how I felt and I wasnt ashamed and she deserved to have it. I went to get water and she came and found me and waited.... I wanted her to go so i kept drinking but she waited with somewhat of a grin. I got done and we walked outside all my stuff in hand and she turned as if for a hug but i couldnt my hands were full and it wasnt fair for her to wnat that. I havent spoken to her since wednesday.
What i dont get is how she could do that. Shes there, we obviously have fun together, we work well together, she is beautiful beyond belief, she tells me I look good at times, we can communicate without words, shes comfortable with my jucnk on her thigh during dance... with my face next to hers, with her chest ON mine. We have a similar nerdy sense of humor, she teases me yet there is no malous in fact it feels good and when i gets to me she rubs my shoulder and back saying "you know I dont mean it like that", and I do know. I dont see whats missing save kissing and sex I mean honestly we should hangout more but we're busy both of us and up till now shes had a boyfriend. i think she knows it would work.... is she scared of something I dont see the risk. but maybe thats because Ive given myself to her 4 times the fear is gone for me and she should know she has nothing to fear there isnt any wya it could go bad. I cant make people do things but why does she ignore the fact that everytime i let go and she lets go we naturally float together we mesh but all she wants to see is mess. Please help me What do I do? I was so close to being free and now Im deeper than I was.
She is like a solar system when I see her, her eyes beautiful like starts make me look, and then Im lost in the vastness of space, then all my worries and cares are sucked away by the black hole within... leaving me empty to everyting for a mere second in which her smile warms me like the sun and replaces all the other feelings with ONE GIANT FEELING of happiness.
The next semester began and she inquired about us taking a Ballroom class together... of course who would want to do that unless there's a girl in it. So we did and we talked and I would tell her of the things to do around and she would tell me of how shed love to go to the art gallery with me wants to go camp with me but nothing ever worked out.... not because she couldn't but because the schedules didnt work. So we leave on the note of good and head into summer.
Over the summer we talk infrequently she starts talking to someone else but never mentions it as though she doesnt want me to know like if i knew it would kill her chances. I mailed her a birthday present this year, a book, one that I knew she wanted and she loved it and a sentimental yet not to over the top card, she knew what it meant but I couldnt act... it was summer time. She frequently asked how far i was from raleigh like she was going to visit but it never materialized.
The school year started and I was killing hope. She called me a good bit though asking for help on this if she could borrow that, like i was the only one that could help. They made it official and then it hit me there was no chance. i was killing hope as fast as i could I was meeting new people, I was still her friend though... we danced and had fun. then out of no where one day the pain on her face was there... I knew what had happened he was gone. I talked to her for literllly 5 seconds and she completely flipped around.... like he didnt matter she was with me... her smile and her peppy step made me feel good about it. From there she started flirting with me, she would look at me and just smile and that was the only thing I could manage. She would say things that were a bit wierd but she was comfortable saying them around me cause she seemed to know I wouldt care. I tried not to let the door open but it did ever so slightly. People came to ask "are you dating" and friends who knew we weren't said "Daniel I def think she likes you" but I had been through it before but for some reason it was diffrent... others saw it too. We danced and a competition in Maryland was fast approaching. One day i just asked her LETS GO TO THE FAIR the half second it took her to respond seemed like a half hour. She even through in the work of the devil... ":)" yes that. So we went and it was rainy the others were bickering so we went off to do our own thing, I should have done it there, but it had only been a week and a half since it had ended. she left and I walked her out.... later she texted me about how good a time she had and the next time i saw her she said so again without prompting. my grades slipped on a test and we had a talk that week and she sat me down and looked at me and explained what the problem may have been but she prefaced it with "Daniel I feel like I can always tell you honestly, I can be blunt..." she proceded to tell me how i got over confidnet on tests.
the week of the comp came and we practiced almost everyday... we were betterand better. She had repeatedly told me that the my following week was hard and she would understand if i couldnt go, she wanted me to do well on my tests, she cared. I reassured her looking her in the eye... "I want to go with you" I know she knew what i meant but I dont know if she picked up on what I really meant. We left and the first day was good... up till here i was chill not making any moves but it was time to start. i went outside for a while to think once we got settled just to think and sure enoguh she called to see where i had gone, somehow with all the people around she knew i was gone. the next day I just put my arm over her chair at diffrent points testing the water..... she always looked at me and smilled. Later that night she did the same thing when I went outside except in a text "Daniel you shouldnt be out this late its dark........." Yet the next day I tested the waters again I would pull her in to tell her something one hand on her side and the other firmly planted on her thigh, letting her know Im here. So a few moments later she turned to me putting her nose in my ear and smiling... as if to say, Im here too everytings gonna be good. It was like all of a sudden we understood each other without speaking. So we got back and we hopped in the car to go home but before we did everyone ran inside but me... i was thinking again in the serenity that is outside. she came out to see me... but i had to go up and get my bathroom bag... i brought it out and sat on the stairs... she came and sat beside me but everyone started down the stairs inside so i wouldnt have time to talk. I sat there rubbing her back as everyone ran out past us into the car and they all sensed the emotion as they appologized. As we left she got in the car and she layed it on... a normally proper straight backed girl was now slauched in her seat twirling her hair humming but the guy up front wouldnt stop talking to me .... i wanted to kiss her but he wouldnt shut up and turn around. So I pulled her into the middle as best as I could trying to make her comfortable but it was hard with all the stuff she awoke as the car jerked and said to me "did you sleep ok"...... but in the sweetest voice ever. We got back at 4 and I had a test at 8 so I went straight to bed... but as i was leavign she said call me tommorrow I wanna know how everything goes and she gave me a hug but I think she expected it right there.... yet she was talking to someone... i wasnt gonna do it right there. The week was rought i did well on my tests and the weekend after sucked... we got back monday and I texted her late that night.... "can you talk a minute" we arent on the same page she said to me. I didnt understand it wasnt just me it was others, I quoted some of the things she said to me in her QUITE OBVIOUSLY flirty tone. She acted at first like are you sure BUT SHE SAW HOW SURE I WAS. she appologized and I told her to go but she stayed we talked and again I said go and she stayed finally she left and I sat there a couple minutes. I saw her on wednesday and she never looked better I held it bakc though cause we have to be friends thats what we've always been. I walked her back... and I gave her a poem i had written a week befor and told her that it was how I felt and I wasnt ashamed and she deserved to have it. I went to get water and she came and found me and waited.... I wanted her to go so i kept drinking but she waited with somewhat of a grin. I got done and we walked outside all my stuff in hand and she turned as if for a hug but i couldnt my hands were full and it wasnt fair for her to wnat that. I havent spoken to her since wednesday.
What i dont get is how she could do that. Shes there, we obviously have fun together, we work well together, she is beautiful beyond belief, she tells me I look good at times, we can communicate without words, shes comfortable with my jucnk on her thigh during dance... with my face next to hers, with her chest ON mine. We have a similar nerdy sense of humor, she teases me yet there is no malous in fact it feels good and when i gets to me she rubs my shoulder and back saying "you know I dont mean it like that", and I do know. I dont see whats missing save kissing and sex I mean honestly we should hangout more but we're busy both of us and up till now shes had a boyfriend. i think she knows it would work.... is she scared of something I dont see the risk. but maybe thats because Ive given myself to her 4 times the fear is gone for me and she should know she has nothing to fear there isnt any wya it could go bad. I cant make people do things but why does she ignore the fact that everytime i let go and she lets go we naturally float together we mesh but all she wants to see is mess. Please help me What do I do? I was so close to being free and now Im deeper than I was.
She is like a solar system when I see her, her eyes beautiful like starts make me look, and then Im lost in the vastness of space, then all my worries and cares are sucked away by the black hole within... leaving me empty to everyting for a mere second in which her smile warms me like the sun and replaces all the other feelings with ONE GIANT FEELING of happiness.
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