TGINING

So I finally got home yesterday and I've sarted to help clean the house. I had to work with the dogs to train them on the fence again today. I ve been pretty good... the girl ive been attempting with as due to my luck got sick last week so i havent seen her in a week and i feel like giving up. I hopped online and sarah messaged me instantly... i dont even know what to do there DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND GO THE HELLL AWAY? I mean im nice and talk to her but she just keeps popping up I WANT HER MORE THAN ANYTHING and I do mean anything i dont know whats wrong with me. I mean I would trade so much for her, my car, time to live, my kidney ( and yes im serious) i mean honestly i dont have that much to give it would all be worth it in my opinion if i could have her. Just the effects of her being mine for a day would outweigh all the happiness ive felt in the past YEAR. Theres something about her and she keeps at me i mean im about to quit dance cause i cant stand seeing her... its not that it didnt work. Its the fact she doesnt care and wont give it a chance she fights it ALLLLLLL the time then when i pull away she starts popping up. I DONT FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. If life's really this miserable I want NO part in it, if this is the race than i quit cause im tired of it. Im tired of what i want being in a glass case, right there and attainable. Some would say hang on... but i have some would say try to break the glass yet all i do is get cute, ive even walked away from the glass and somehow like the DAMN wonkavator it follows me. I see why the japanese always died in combat... cause its not worth being tortured... its the only sure way to avoid torture. When you know theres no high left thats when you fold you turn the cards in cause all you're gonna do is end up putting more in the pot only to loose it... ive folded multiple times but if im gonna lose i may as well lose big i may as well quit now leave the game. cut my losses, save myself the failure, the humiliation, the realization that no matter how bad i want something that i know is there it DOESNT FUCKING MATTER cause im not gonna get it and when you take away a mans muse his reason for working his motivation... you may as well take his life. I feel like all i worked for all this time has just ended in nothingness it all ends in letters a b c d and f but you know those letters dont spell HAPPY. I dont want to give up, i dont want to lose but ive been losing at life since i could spell the word lose. Ive always lost the things that mean the most, some would say school.... thers pleanty of people in the world 25,00000 times happier than me and they dont even know waht school it. ive felt flickers and thats the worst feeling of all... knowing that that person is there fighting time and time putting it all out there, time after time after time and getting i dont knows and stuff. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? I cant make you say yes and with everytime you say no my life means that much less and right now its worth a little less than the penny and the government is about to get rid of that.


Ive tried ive tried but what comes from tried is tired and thats what i am tired of being good enough to ask for anything but not being good enough to get anything. tired of helping with everything you and everyone else need and not being able to have the ONE THE ONLY thing i want, ill trade it for my tuition, my education. I mean if i could be with her dead i would give my life for her but it doesnt matter. And now that after a year and a half ive spotted some hope she lies and says that it wasnt real and then i spot some more and it gets sick and retreats back. I can't get it I can't win its like a test of 2+2 and 2+3 and though i know hte answers 4 and 5 are right... somehow they were able to change the correct answeres to 22 and 23. Ive tried it all ive done it all when im right im wrong when im wrong im wronger. WHATS THE FING POINT


I GIVE THE FUCK UP