Could it be the one for me Im not right for her.

Wow the past year has been a rollercoaster. From literally the day I set eyes on her no one else mattered it has been my mission to get her not because i said i would but because i knew i would. The way she pursued me to start and I took it slow... she was fresh on the market and not ready yet. I moved past it for a couple weeks with another girl but then she started to get me. When christmas commercials came I thought of sarah not of alex and I knew it must end. So we talked daily over the winter break constantly friendly yet like we knew we were interested.
The next semester began and she inquired about us taking a Ballroom class together... of course who would want to do that unless there's a girl in it. So we did and we talked and I would tell her of the things to do around and she would tell me of how shed love to go to the art gallery with me wants to go camp with me but nothing ever worked out.... not because she couldn't but because the schedules didnt work. So we leave on the note of good and head into summer.
Over the summer we talk infrequently she starts talking to someone else but never mentions it as though she doesnt want me to know like if i knew it would kill her chances. I mailed her a birthday present this year, a book, one that I knew she wanted and she loved it and a sentimental yet not to over the top card, she knew what it meant but I couldnt act... it was summer time. She frequently asked how far i was from raleigh like she was going to visit but it never materialized.

The school year started and I was killing hope. She called me a good bit though asking for help on this if she could borrow that, like i was the only one that could help. They made it official and then it hit me there was no chance. i was killing hope as fast as i could I was meeting new people, I was still her friend though... we danced and had fun. then out of no where one day the pain on her face was there... I knew what had happened he was gone. I talked to her for literllly 5 seconds and she completely flipped around.... like he didnt matter she was with me... her smile and her peppy step made me feel good about it. From there she started flirting with me, she would look at me and just smile and that was the only thing I could manage. She would say things that were a bit wierd but she was comfortable saying them around me cause she seemed to know I wouldt care. I tried not to let the door open but it did ever so slightly. People came to ask "are you dating" and friends who knew we weren't said "Daniel I def think she likes you" but I had been through it before but for some reason it was diffrent... others saw it too. We danced and a competition in Maryland was fast approaching. One day i just asked her LETS GO TO THE FAIR the half second it took her to respond seemed like a half hour. She even through in the work of the devil... ":)" yes that. So we went and it was rainy the others were bickering so we went off to do our own thing, I should have done it there, but it had only been a week and a half since it had ended. she left and I walked her out.... later she texted me about how good a time she had and the next time i saw her she said so again without prompting. my grades slipped on a test and we had a talk that week and she sat me down and looked at me and explained what the problem may have been but she prefaced it with "Daniel I feel like I can always tell you honestly, I can be blunt..." she proceded to tell me how i got over confidnet on tests.
the week of the comp came and we practiced almost everyday... we were betterand better. She had repeatedly told me that the my following week was hard and she would understand if i couldnt go, she wanted me to do well on my tests, she cared. I reassured her looking her in the eye... "I want to go with you" I know she knew what i meant but I dont know if she picked up on what I really meant. We left and the first day was good... up till here i was chill not making any moves but it was time to start. i went outside for a while to think once we got settled just to think and sure enoguh she called to see where i had gone, somehow with all the people around she knew i was gone. the next day I just put my arm over her chair at diffrent points testing the water..... she always looked at me and smilled. Later that night she did the same thing when I went outside except in a text "Daniel you shouldnt be out this late its dark........." Yet the next day I tested the waters again I would pull her in to tell her something one hand on her side and the other firmly planted on her thigh, letting her know Im here. So a few moments later she turned to me putting her nose in my ear and smiling... as if to say, Im here too everytings gonna be good. It was like all of a sudden we understood each other without speaking. So we got back and we hopped in the car to go home but before we did everyone ran inside but me... i was thinking again in the serenity that is outside. she came out to see me... but i had to go up and get my bathroom bag... i brought it out and sat on the stairs... she came and sat beside me but everyone started down the stairs inside so i wouldnt have time to talk. I sat there rubbing her back as everyone ran out past us into the car and they all sensed the emotion as they appologized. As we left she got in the car and she layed it on... a normally proper straight backed girl was now slauched in her seat twirling her hair humming but the guy up front wouldnt stop talking to me .... i wanted to kiss her but he wouldnt shut up and turn around. So I pulled her into the middle as best as I could trying to make her comfortable but it was hard with all the stuff she awoke as the car jerked and said to me "did you sleep ok"...... but in the sweetest voice ever. We got back at 4 and I had a test at 8 so I went straight to bed... but as i was leavign she said call me tommorrow I wanna know how everything goes and she gave me a hug but I think she expected it right there.... yet she was talking to someone... i wasnt gonna do it right there. The week was rought i did well on my tests and the weekend after sucked... we got back monday and I texted her late that night.... "can you talk a minute" we arent on the same page she said to me. I didnt understand it wasnt just me it was others, I quoted some of the things she said to me in her QUITE OBVIOUSLY flirty tone. She acted at first like are you sure BUT SHE SAW HOW SURE I WAS. she appologized and I told her to go but she stayed we talked and again I said go and she stayed finally she left and I sat there a couple minutes. I saw her on wednesday and she never looked better I held it bakc though cause we have to be friends thats what we've always been. I walked her back... and I gave her a poem i had written a week befor and told her that it was how I felt and I wasnt ashamed and she deserved to have it. I went to get water and she came and found me and waited.... I wanted her to go so i kept drinking but she waited with somewhat of a grin. I got done and we walked outside all my stuff in hand and she turned as if for a hug but i couldnt my hands were full and it wasnt fair for her to wnat that. I havent spoken to her since wednesday.


What i dont get is how she could do that. Shes there, we obviously have fun together, we work well together, she is beautiful beyond belief, she tells me I look good at times, we can communicate without words, shes comfortable with my jucnk on her thigh during dance... with my face next to hers, with her chest ON mine. We have a similar nerdy sense of humor, she teases me yet there is no malous in fact it feels good and when i gets to me she rubs my shoulder and back saying "you know I dont mean it like that", and I do know. I dont see whats missing save kissing and sex I mean honestly we should hangout more but we're busy both of us and up till now shes had a boyfriend. i think she knows it would work.... is she scared of something I dont see the risk. but maybe thats because Ive given myself to her 4 times the fear is gone for me and she should know she has nothing to fear there isnt any wya it could go bad. I cant make people do things but why does she ignore the fact that everytime i let go and she lets go we naturally float together we mesh but all she wants to see is mess. Please help me What do I do? I was so close to being free and now Im deeper than I was.

She is like a solar system when I see her, her eyes beautiful like starts make me look, and then Im lost in the vastness of space, then all my worries and cares are sucked away by the black hole within... leaving me empty to everyting for a mere second in which her smile warms me like the sun and replaces all the other feelings with ONE GIANT FEELING of happiness.