Wow!!! im in colorado and everything is GREAT!!! Not. i wish it was. Its going alright but I can't stopp thinking about you. I do for a few minutes THEN BLAM "Oh this mountain is soooo pretty I bet SHE would like it, but NO I can 't even call to tell her about it. I don't know what to do Ive tried to let go like i have before but NO. I think its time to stop letting go, and not fighting. I fight at school when something goes wrong! So why not NOW. Because I cant hurt her more than I have, but i didn't hurt her she hurt US. But I don't care she was doing what she thought was right, and I think it WAS right and is right now. Next week Ill have to revisit this. Right now i have to enjoy myself to the best of my ability!!

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go.
Yeah Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E.
Fine but your love made me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money,
then you hung me out to dry It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes Chorus

Apiphany

Woah this past week is CRAZY!!!!!! I understand now why what happened, happened! This past week I have been sad about god breaking us up. Sunday I knew that she was just being straight up with me, but then when i got to school, you know how everyone is, they know whats going on and somehow make it seem like they know more about it than you do. So I was sad and weak and I let their opinions influence me and look what happened! I end up hurting someone i care about even more because somehow people influenced me enough to ask questions and say things that I nevr would have said in the first place. I became exactly what I spent my whole high school career protecting my friends from. So i was talking about it with a girl at my church because of coarse shes nonbiased, but we're friends so she tryed to help. So Wednesday comes Along and she calls to talk and Im like Im fine now but w/e we can talk anyway and she goes " No, I need Doctor Phil" so im like whats up is your old BF after you again and shes like "no." "My mom came in my room crying and talking about not being able to handle it anymore and she had all these pills" So this past week Ive been helping her with that and I will be for a while now, you see thats what it was God wasn't trying to hurt Jessica or myself, he knew that I needed time to give to someone else and he took Jessica's time cause as they say God is "Generous." I still think sometimes though "Why couldn't you just take Mark's time?" lol But now Im ready to help this girl and I hope that Jessica will still want to be my friend. I know it will be hard though cause I basically stomped on all the trust she gained in me. I want to be therefor Jessica too but I can't be there if she doesn't want me to and thats what i have to figure out.

Happy Sad

It seems so strange that only a week and a day ago I was on the top of the world. I was standing there with my girlfriend at prom having the best night of my life and I could do anything, then right as I said in my last post it was time to get side swiped, (how do I know things like this are going to happen?) I did, but it wasn't a bad side swipe, actually it was, it was just a diffrent kind. The kind that is bad, but you can't be mad about, which is the worst cause we all know how easy it is to be mad but to be sad without mad is kinda hard. I am partly happy though cause this past month has taught me things about myself that I didn't know, things that I hope that after a few weeks I can tell her but not right now. I know though that I have a great friend now that will always be there. For the next few months I am going to have to relearn how to live on my own without anyone, I know ill make it i just don't know how yet. Finally I will fulfill her request to try someone else because to be honest if I find someone else and I like them better than I like her than im better off anyway :) That actually makes me happy in some ways because either way I either know I get her which is something thats amazing or I get something Ive never dreamed of.

xbf

Damn it! then Bless it

I reallly realllly want to skip graduation practice on that Thursday SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOO bad, I mean WHO?????? cares if I walk across a stage to get a piece of paper? What I care about is seeing people when they come down to see me, and seeing Jessica that is all that matters in the next two weeks. I know we can do stuff when we get back from colorodo, but it just seems sooooo far away. I will have fun while im gone though even though I don't think I will. I just thought about it today, maybe Im holding on too tight; you know if you hold a pencil to hard you're going to get writters cramp, maybe im giving myself lovers cramps, I mean the pencil is fine in your hand; its not going anywhere. Am I wrong to to hold on tooo tight? IDK i just feel like maybe im squashing her but its only because im not going to see her as much this summer as i usually do so im trying SOOOO hard to see her as much as I can. (Feel free to comment) My life is still looking pretty well though, like i said the other day my life is looking on track; its the perfect time to get blind sided. I have a cool roomate Im going to do well in college I think, even though I wont have a car most likely ill still find ways to come see Jessica and she can come see me. Oh yeah and we have 9 days of school left, wow!!!

Doofus

I can't believe that yesterday and the day before I was slightly worried and today I am back on track. Tommarow I have the AP exam and thats gonna kinda suck but its alright cause thats the way it is. I think that this summer is going to be alright, even though both of us will be going away multiple times I know what she means to me and I am realizing what I mean to her and thats good. I AM fretting next year and leaving her back her in Wilton, but Im not as worried as I was because I don't have to look for what I want anymore, somehow it landed in front of me. I am trying to plan out the next few weeks though so that hopefully we can go do something one day soon! Saturday will be a long day which is ok because as long as all goes to plan Ill be able to see my favorite person in the whole world, even more favorite than Jonny Quest and Spiderman in one, later that evening and then spend the Sunday here.

Prom OH SEVEN!!!!

I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes,
Before I even realize the ride Im on
Baby Im long gone,
I get carried away nothin matters but bein with you,
Like a feather flyin high up in the sky on a windy day,
I get carried away.
~George Straight~

Yeah last night was the prom and it was bangin!! I had a great time, we did all the promy stuff we went to this place that I still can't pronounce, lol. I totally forgot about the shrimp plate at the prom cause I had more important things to attend to, like LICKING THE ICE SCULPTURE!!! I think my favorite part though was when just us went to the airport and could look out at the sky and the mini cities in the distance, I don't know I just feel happy just sitting there and looking at stuff and being able to talk about it. It was short lived though because my mom made me come home early cause I had to wake up early. :( I heard about Justin this morning from Jessica which now makes me more cautious everytime we go somewhere cause I realize it could happen to anyone. but overall it was a great night and so hopefully we can go back to the airport soon to ACTUALLY SEE AN AIRPLANE.

Tonight is probably going to be the longest night ever! I worked a while then Mark took us out. I have to work in the morning and then I get to spend the night with probably the best person I've ever met. Its going to be so hard to sleep tonight even though im kinda tired but Ill prbably be bcak in two days so till then!!

Woah 24 hours

I don't understand how some guys act! They piss me off the things they do, I guess Im just not "cool" enough to understand. Within the past 24 hours I have really thought deeply about how some many people in the world tarnish that word, to the point in which in means so much less than what it should. To the point in which those who eventually do decide to use it can't because it has been stripped of all meaning. I talked to Ms. Bost today and she kinda helped me to realize not to worry about it though. And I also realized that as much as I talk and I love talking, my favorite thing is listening. It does matter to what though. When you are listening to someone its always that much better, I dont know why but it is.

Diagnostic

Well today was the stupid diagnostic test for physics which wasn't so bad. I think I did pretty well I think. Jessica decided to skip school to avoid the test and I almost did too but I need to be at school so I don't fall behind. Speaking of school lunch sucked I ended up eating lunch at the senior cafe since jessica wasn't there cause me and JH were like uuuhhh Jessicas not here THIS SUCKS. So Im taking Joesph to church tonight so Im missing Jessica singing at church which really sucks but its ok cause she skipping church to come with me next week. YEAH!!!!! But ive gotta go vacum and clean the house.