I can't believe the past three days. I have done sooo much better. I mean Wednesday night I went to Jessicas church to see her and how everyone was doing and it was cool. Till the end I was having fun then when it was time to say goodbye I didn' know how it hurt but it was great to see her. But now it seems like her life is getting back on track overshadowed by a tragedy is something that for both of our sakes is true. I really truely do hope that she can find true love with him because if se doesn't then she will be devestated, but somehow the past two or three days I honestly started to believe in them. The one thing I have left to do is meet this guy, this one who has cause her so much pain and joy. In a wierd way, it really is wierd, I want to see what I was missing but anyway.

I work one more day this week and then IM OFFF to go have fun, then I work. Then I have family reunioun time. I can't wait for college its going to be sooooo much fun!!!! I have to start chilling with my friends more now. Boy today was a goood dayyyy despite the rain.

I hope I haven't fallen into the same trap as you

Wow! last night was the best conveersation i've had in a while. I wont go into detail but it was good. I felt like a huge burden was lifted. I took on a new burden though but its new so its ok. Last night I said it was over, but I think its only the beginning, of what I don't know. The only thing I can say is that no matter what you said and I said its not over and I think you know it, you want it to be and I want it to be for you but its not. I hate my heart sometimes, God blessed me with a good heart and I KNOW that for a fact. My heart is like the Pheonix when it dies it is reborn of the flames, and last night i signed a paper that said I would stop but Im not 18 so its not legally binding.
I am more rested now but I shutter to think, that after alllllllllll that I still have hope. I mean you said you couldn't love me, you still loved him and you will forever, I know that. I think though that you're crazy if you thought you were going to love me in a month more than you love him in 17 years. I mean I guess im crazy cause you shot straight to the top of my list and I loved you more than a lot of people, who I don't know, not my mom or dad or sister but people ive known for a while. Love takes time sometimes and sometimes not. There are also diffrent types of love and you may soon find out that you can love in diffrent ways than you thought. That is something I learned from all this.

What takes more than you want but gives you everything you need,
and can leave in a second or come back when you've leaved,
when you turn your back it appears,
but if you look to hard youll be waiting years?
Love

~ Me~

Im looking everywhere, don't think Im not I ready to move past this. If what you KNOW will happen doesn't, don't be scared to come back to me where ever I am, you will always have another chance.

I have more but I don't, it will be here later.

Untitled

You know this mornings post was really wierd. I do feel lonely sometimes true. But you know I don't know its ok, sometimes we need to be lonely so that we can appreciate who is there. I went out with Brian tonight and it was cool and I think the farm's about to get a lot more fun, like we're going to have some fun times soon. I think thats it more than anything last year the farm was soooo cool Tim would be there when we came back everyday with a new invention and we were stoked. We spent the afternoons riding and shooting and chilli and eating. Now it looks like the farm is trying to find a new soul, not Tim but the rest of us are going to pull together to make it fun. We're taking the boat out soon and me and Brian are going to go get a batterie for collies four wheel so we can start riding.
Im sorry for my earlier post you know who you are! I guess I was taking all of my stresses out on you even though I didn't realize it.

I don't even know what to say. I thought two days ago I would be working the next 14 straight days and then I sit here today and Im not working for three days, which in my eyes is good. I used to get such enjoyment out of my job. The money was always good and the customers would come and talk to me, but now i can't stand it. I sit at the stand all day trying to be that same peppy kid i used to be selling produce to older people but I can't. I put on a fake smile for them and they can tell that I don't want to be there. Its lonely, Jessica you don't know how right you were when you asked me that. I can't take it! This spring when I started I had motivation to see every day through, it was you who got me through work everyday. Now my motivation is literally to stay alive, to make it to college.
Now everywhere I go Im reminded of you, The stand in Raleigh where you would come visit me, Six Forks which I drive by everyday is where you go to church, the songs I listen to in my car the same ones that we listened to (you were the only girl Ive ever met that actually liked them), the balloon that you drew on that still hangs from my rear view mirror, the glass on my dresser that we both finger printed, Aerospace Engineering my major reminds me of how you like planes, the bon fires at work tell me of your pyromania and that day Tim was acting gay, THE FARM I had never seen it all like that before, and finally my friends the ones I bragged about you to allllll the time about how great you were and all the things you could do and enjoyed, the friends that now laugh behind my back because you aren't here. And the worst part is that I would rather live with the pain then forget all of those memories.

Days of Summer

I haven't forgoten about this thing, Ive just had other things to do. Ive made it through the first month of what many consider to be the best summer of their lives. Im a third there, and once Im there I dont think there's any turning back. These past few weeks I have been a real ass-hole to those that love me, My mom and dad in particular. When I come home from work my mom berages me with a list of questions that I don't want to sit and answer so I just walk away. My dad and I have always swam at the pool ALL the time thats just what we do play at the pool. I've been to the pool with him ONCE this whole summer. I didn't even go on fathers day, what kind of son am I? Its not like I have anything better to do, but I just don't enjoy those same things that I did with them before. Its weird I don't even really want to hang out with the two guys that were like brothers to me all those years, I guess Ive just gotten used to them not being around. Im going out with some friends tommarow so that should be fun and Ill probably be back later!

Cyclicicty

I woke up this morning pretty siked I don't know why but I was. My aunt just flew in from San Diego yesterday so I trying to have fun with her as much as I can. We went to church and saw everyone off to Montreat, which was bitter sweet for me. It being the last year I could have gone, and I opted to stay home to work so I could take days off to go do things with Jessica. A piece of advice to everyone, don't plan your summer around someone elses schedule. Yet I dont think I regret it. Anyway, we then went out to eat and went to the movies,I haven't been to a movie in like a month so it was alright. Then we came home and I went for a walk, just a little mosey down the subdivision behind mine. I walked for a while cause I had nothing better to do, but then again what is better than walking just to walk? We all know the answer to that question and I thought about it the whole time. My mom and aunt came and joined me so I broke them into a few model homes that were being diplayed, but then I went back to walking.

It seems like I have been walking all my life, with out a destination, everyone tells me they know where Im going but I don't know if Ill make it. Im tired and my body can't walk anymore, not cause I couldn't have made it but because I always seem to find stragglers on the road so I pick them up and carry them till I get them over the mountain. Once I get across they keep on their path and I have to not only continue on mine but figure out which one it is. I thought God had sent me an angel on a ship and that would help me on my walk I could rest and we could float for a while, without having to wear ourselves out. I thought maybe I had found my road, and I still think I have, I just have to wade through the swamp a while and hopefully Ill find the ship or maybe a diffrent ship on the otherside. My friends have tried to help me wade through the swamp but they're all tooo afraid to jump in themselves. They sheepishly suggest I climb a tree and wait for another ship, one thats faster or fancier. But they fail to realize the ship I was on was on my course for at least the next 100 miles, yet all these other ships are sailing south, and I mean SOUTH. Maybe the river wouldn't meet the road I need to walk but it would have been an entertaining ride and I would have been rested again to navigate.

You said you needed your space

I wasn't where you wanted to be

I didn't stand in your way

I only want you to be happy

And so how surprised am I

To see you here tonight

Oh, cant you see

That for worse,

or for better,

We're better together

Please, just come back home

No, don't say that you're sorry

And I won't say I told you so

Sometimes in our life

We get to where we wonder if

The long road that we're on

Is headin' in the same direction

Well, when it comes to you and me

We're right where I know we should be

Oh, cant you see

That for worse,

or for better,

We're better together

Please, just come back home


How did this happen? Im going to go see Sarah tonight, I think but Im all confused again. How come I can help everyone else and I have the right answers but I can't do it? How did you slip back in?

"I thought you were just a passing storm, but nope it turns out i live in Seattle, its gonna rain and it isn't gonna stop but for a little while." Dan

I feel realy good right now!

I don't know how but I feel pretty damn good right now. I don't know mom and Sarah and I went shopping today and toward the end it was like the funniest thing ive seen with my nuclear family in a long time. My mom was cussing at the tea she got at Bojangles cause it had lemon and shes sitting in my car cussing trying to fish it out with out staining my car. lol Wow and Jessica came by to see me yesterday, which was cool then a bunch of people came by Stacey, tony, Lindsey, Richard, and Ms. Bost anyway. I don't know Ill probably feel like shit in another week but we'll see won't we.

Graarararar!

What do I want? What does it take to be satisfied? They say it is better to love and let go then to have never loved at all, but they never said it was easier!! Im consistently getting better, or was but the whole being alone at the stand for 8 hours a day isn't very condusive. I know Ill get better. I need somebody to lean on right now though, but who? Like everyones soooo used to leaning on me that they can't support me. Kaitlyn has been helping but shes REALLY far away, thats a long way to lean. I feel like im in that drama that I was always soooo proud not to be part of. Im exactly what i used to make fun of! I never understood how things culd change the way they do.
My problem is knowing too much and having too many diffrent feelings. Half of me understands that hey the summer probably would have torn us apart, YES I realize that! I KNOW that. But I don't feel it right now. The good old brain is losing a fight to the heart. A heart that says i haven't fought for much so I know i can handle a fight, my heart could have fought. I guess when she said that it wasn't for nothing she means she broke it off now so we might have a chance in the future? Could that be it, thats what she said before but it just seems weird? I hope so.
Another part of me realizes she wants to be free this summer, and I wish i could make her understand that i want that for her, I want her to be able to experience life over the summer, to be able to go out and dance with other guys at the beach, to be able to see what else is out there. I mean I want her to see it all, I wouldn't even mind if some dude started flirting with her, as long as she was honest with me and still cared about me.
Another part of me says you should go and don't look back. Just run like you've never run before. And I actually mean leave PHYSICALLY like go to California. But I could never do that.
None of these is my problem its the fact that I don't know what to do, and the fact that no one can tell me what to do cause NO ONE not even I know what to do. I even think that God's praying for me to hopefully do the right thing. I can only do what i think is right.

Purple Mountain Tragedy!

Well I just got back from Colorado, and it was A LOT OF FUN!!! But it did me some bad too. At first I it took my mind off everthing thats been happening the past month. I called Kaitlyn and Brittany like once the first couple days. We got to Golden and the Coors Brewery!!! and so I sent a text to like 10 people including Jessica, and you want to know who the first to text me back was? It was her. Then we went to the national park and it was SOOOO beautiful! This is were I got into trouble, every mountain I saw, every stream that ran, everything good about the park made me think, Oh I should get a picture of this so Jessica can see it. Then it hit me everytime how am I going to show it to Jessica? She probably wouldn't care. It seems like God is saying look at those beautiful Mountains and behind Mountain Number 1 Jessica, then the door closes; its like the Price is Right without the bidding. But Im still good though cause she is still there and Im still here and she seems to be happy with what ever shes doing this summer, which I guess is all that matters. If I can't cause her happiness and I only bring more pain for her then its probably best that I just disappear. I don't know though! I say this now but in two weeks what if i want to say hey. I guess there is no right answer, there is no Dr. Phil he doesn't exist or Oprah, THEY wouldn't know what to do.