Graarararar!

What do I want? What does it take to be satisfied? They say it is better to love and let go then to have never loved at all, but they never said it was easier!! Im consistently getting better, or was but the whole being alone at the stand for 8 hours a day isn't very condusive. I know Ill get better. I need somebody to lean on right now though, but who? Like everyones soooo used to leaning on me that they can't support me. Kaitlyn has been helping but shes REALLY far away, thats a long way to lean. I feel like im in that drama that I was always soooo proud not to be part of. Im exactly what i used to make fun of! I never understood how things culd change the way they do.
My problem is knowing too much and having too many diffrent feelings. Half of me understands that hey the summer probably would have torn us apart, YES I realize that! I KNOW that. But I don't feel it right now. The good old brain is losing a fight to the heart. A heart that says i haven't fought for much so I know i can handle a fight, my heart could have fought. I guess when she said that it wasn't for nothing she means she broke it off now so we might have a chance in the future? Could that be it, thats what she said before but it just seems weird? I hope so.
Another part of me realizes she wants to be free this summer, and I wish i could make her understand that i want that for her, I want her to be able to experience life over the summer, to be able to go out and dance with other guys at the beach, to be able to see what else is out there. I mean I want her to see it all, I wouldn't even mind if some dude started flirting with her, as long as she was honest with me and still cared about me.
Another part of me says you should go and don't look back. Just run like you've never run before. And I actually mean leave PHYSICALLY like go to California. But I could never do that.
None of these is my problem its the fact that I don't know what to do, and the fact that no one can tell me what to do cause NO ONE not even I know what to do. I even think that God's praying for me to hopefully do the right thing. I can only do what i think is right.