Wierd

The worst thing about having sooo much fun is that it leaves you with that far to fall. I said I was sooo happy thursday night, I was right and now Im waiting for that again... after we leave the library I think we'll talk again, Im chipping away this time. The orange i was looking for is across the room and its gleaming... shining. but I dont know, it shines and i sit here, is it ready to be picked because this particular type is very hard to tell. The juices of this orange are very sweet due to the thick rind which also makes it hard to tell the ripeness. I think it will ripen just fine but im also waiting for the grapes to be ready too.
Shes sitting there with one of her friends from class, they are studying but still I feel jealous I want to be over there beside her, we just went and got tea from the coffee shop but I want to be with her again now. This weekend I had been drinking and I was were I shouldnt have been, but I was there just the same and she called... she called me at 330am at that late hour who was she calling... me she was thingking about me but I was doing somthing else. I texted her the next day and she was excited to hear from me but then she never messaged me that night... I called her and she had been asleep so I told her to go back to sleep but now Im here... this is gonna be a rough week, I have to keep up my intensity and vigor but not try to hard, I have to be me, be calm, get the girl, yet I have 4 exams... how do you do that? I dont know now but ill tell you next week.

Tonight

Today was great.. class 3 hour nap more class then FOOTBALL for 2 hours then I went to the movies with the Orange. We talked a little during the movie but watched it, I could sense some tension all night but I didnt let up I pulled harder and harder not showing weakness.
It started whenI brought her some cake and she TOOOK it all down. Then we went to the movie, and she sat as close to me as she could without sitting in my seat, I kept hearing her take breaths as though she was frustrated because I wouldnt put my arm around her. She kept leaning over to whisper to me and sometimes I would look down to make eye contact and others not... just to keep the interest going. I kept her at arms length as it were. We got back to her dorm and we stood there talking and then it got so long that we sat down to talk and then that got so long that she was cold... I wasn't sure where I was in the whole thing so.... I said "Oh yeah you are supposed to study some more here Ill back I have some stuff to do anyway" "NO NO please stay I dont mean to run you off" "No its cool I gotta do some stuff anyway" "Well lemme hear from you this weekend then!" and I left. As I was walking away I got a text... "I can here you coughing all the way up here" so I quickly said "OH sorry Im gonna try to stop" "Oh no its fine I know it must get on your nerves too" wait ten minutes and I receive " I had a really good time at the movies with you and talking" "Well I did too make sure you have time to talk this weekend" "Oh dont worry haha drunkish daniel is always fun HEHE" "Oh so youll only talk to me if im drunk ;)" "You know what I mean haha" "I do I do and feel free to call me if you want too" "Haha okay"
Well I should at least say it was a good day for this week at least... Ive had better but somehow something feels diffrent, now that I have run so far now that I almost dont care at all it seems to be coming back but im not gonna let it in. Yesterday talking about the orange made me realize something... sometimes its not best to give all your juice because all you leave to be needed is the rind, but if you each give equal parts center and rind it all works better.

Why am I sitting where I sit? Why am I here? Why do I allow myself to put myself throught this?

Later

She just left to go study somewhere with a group of people. IDK and the way she left... Ill see you in a little while like she knows Im gonna be here for a while longer, and try to not stress on your stuff it looks hard take pride in what you can do, then the final words "CALL ME B4 you leave"

What am I doing here why did I sit here and study with her. My friend, told me a few weeks ago "What are you getting out of it..?" I couldnt give him a straight answer. What Im getting is the part of the orange left after its made orange juice, Im allowing myself to settle for the rind of a very inticing fruit. Who cares that the orange is good I dont... I get the rind and some how while im getting the rind I feel fine. But when the rind is gone I have to wait till someone else wants juice just so I can get that rind.

You know I would love some damn OJ but if all im gonna get is rind then damn it I think Id rather have some lemonade!

Wow

Wow... this week has been soooo full of work... we will see how it goes next week. I am way excited about going to wilmington this weekend. I have nothing really new, Ive talked to Sarah last night... Ive gone past that and going and doing my own thing has been good. Weird thing though... most of the girls that were messaging me... talking to me... etc. just stopped all of a sudden I texted a few last week and they never responded, so I left it alone and tried one of them again during the spring game yesterday... NOTHING. Someone told me the other day, just start from scratch throw eerything out and start new. I am trying to start new but I never really realized how hard it was to throw away everything youve had and go to something unknown, Im a fairly proficient friend maker but it seems like those skills are not what they once were. Im gonna try to hit th gym EVERY day this week to get back in the shape I want for the summer, I can lose a pound or two... get some abs done, raise my bench by 10 pounds in the next 2 weeks and I will be happy. Happy for me and doing it cause I want it, i mean maybe a little cause I feel like thats whats wanted of me but for me for the most part.

Aggg

I am very sick... literally. I feel asleep during a test today... in the middle, fun times. Thats about it.

Editors retraction

Yes, I do realize what I write is a bit morbid sometimes... I guess its so that I can materialize the worst case scenario so that I know that it is as bad as it could but that most definitely it will turn out better. I do appreciate all the people that talk to me and are my friends, but that doesn't change the fact that I do feel as though I am growing more and more distant from some key people but I do realize that I only have so much time and since college I have run into A LOT of people so its no wonder I cant spend as much time singularly that I used to.
I know that things are rough and it will never be easy, I have known the concept of LIFE IS UNFAIR since I was five. I played monopoly with my grandpa and when he was caught cheating "this oughta be lesson number one in life; life aint fair.... and I just won." The only conflict I guess is an internal one, since Im playing a cheaters game, is it really cheating if I were to cheat...? I always try to be fair, be moral, be better to people than they are to me, but as someone put it last night "You're too damn nice to people, theres a difference between being selfish and looking out for yourself." It's just that everytime I look out for myself... I.E. "How come you're acting wierd, you didnt come up and say hey" (Sarah), "Well you didnt say hey either, I was just doing my work out with the guys" (me), "Oh I see how it is" (sarah); I get made to feel like the bad guy.

Ill continue this later... I got work to do

"Where do you go when you're lonely?"

How is it that someone that has more friends than blades of grass in his yard can feel lonely? Its like those people you see that are thinner than a rail but eat more than anyone or the reverse... those fat people you see that might as well eat celery. Everything you hear every song you listen to, they all say go home and get back to your roots, but the problem is when I come home all I hink of is how it used to be and how it is now. My sister is never here cause she is far busier than I ever was and I was in about every club at school, my dad is working on some work and my mom is content watching Soap Operas shes TiVoed. I guess that might be what it is... I don't want to be content, I push, I strive, I work for weeks so that just for a day I can be happy, and then its all gone the next day and I start again. Its getting later and later closer and closer to the due date, the due date of asiignment, the day I start work for the summer, the day I die nothing gets further away EXCEPT memories; thoughts that you want to remember that you spend time if only seconds each day trying to run through your head simply to not forget. If you notice I didnt say the day I get married or when I have kids, cause that is not for certain. I can work as hard as I want I can get in the best shape of my life, I can be funnier than the comic on TV, I could do all these things at once and still not make it work.
I am at home one last night tonight then I go back to school for the next month to finish out ANOTHER semester, the only thing that is closer is graduation, in fact I feel as though the distance between myself and my friends is growing, I amd recklessly scraping to find something... some consilation as I help person after person find what they want or need right now or it could be ultimately.

Ill finish later.