The worst thing about having sooo much fun is that it leaves you with that far to fall. I said I was sooo happy thursday night, I was right and now Im waiting for that again... after we leave the library I think we'll talk again, Im chipping away this time. The orange i was looking for is across the room and its gleaming... shining. but I dont know, it shines and i sit here, is it ready to be picked because this particular type is very hard to tell. The juices of this orange are very sweet due to the thick rind which also makes it hard to tell the ripeness. I think it will ripen just fine but im also waiting for the grapes to be ready too.
Shes sitting there with one of her friends from class, they are studying but still I feel jealous I want to be over there beside her, we just went and got tea from the coffee shop but I want to be with her again now. This weekend I had been drinking and I was were I shouldnt have been, but I was there just the same and she called... she called me at 330am at that late hour who was she calling... me she was thingking about me but I was doing somthing else. I texted her the next day and she was excited to hear from me but then she never messaged me that night... I called her and she had been asleep so I told her to go back to sleep but now Im here... this is gonna be a rough week, I have to keep up my intensity and vigor but not try to hard, I have to be me, be calm, get the girl, yet I have 4 exams... how do you do that? I dont know now but ill tell you next week.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tonight
Today was great.. class 3 hour nap more class then FOOTBALL for 2 hours then I went to the movies with the Orange. We talked a little during the movie but watched it, I could sense some tension all night but I didnt let up I pulled harder and harder not showing weakness.
It started whenI brought her some cake and she TOOOK it all down. Then we went to the movie, and she sat as close to me as she could without sitting in my seat, I kept hearing her take breaths as though she was frustrated because I wouldnt put my arm around her. She kept leaning over to whisper to me and sometimes I would look down to make eye contact and others not... just to keep the interest going. I kept her at arms length as it were. We got back to her dorm and we stood there talking and then it got so long that we sat down to talk and then that got so long that she was cold... I wasn't sure where I was in the whole thing so.... I said "Oh yeah you are supposed to study some more here Ill back I have some stuff to do anyway" "NO NO please stay I dont mean to run you off" "No its cool I gotta do some stuff anyway" "Well lemme hear from you this weekend then!" and I left. As I was walking away I got a text... "I can here you coughing all the way up here" so I quickly said "OH sorry Im gonna try to stop" "Oh no its fine I know it must get on your nerves too" wait ten minutes and I receive " I had a really good time at the movies with you and talking" "Well I did too make sure you have time to talk this weekend" "Oh dont worry haha drunkish daniel is always fun HEHE" "Oh so youll only talk to me if im drunk ;)" "You know what I mean haha" "I do I do and feel free to call me if you want too" "Haha okay"
Well I should at least say it was a good day for this week at least... Ive had better but somehow something feels diffrent, now that I have run so far now that I almost dont care at all it seems to be coming back but im not gonna let it in. Yesterday talking about the orange made me realize something... sometimes its not best to give all your juice because all you leave to be needed is the rind, but if you each give equal parts center and rind it all works better.
It started whenI brought her some cake and she TOOOK it all down. Then we went to the movie, and she sat as close to me as she could without sitting in my seat, I kept hearing her take breaths as though she was frustrated because I wouldnt put my arm around her. She kept leaning over to whisper to me and sometimes I would look down to make eye contact and others not... just to keep the interest going. I kept her at arms length as it were. We got back to her dorm and we stood there talking and then it got so long that we sat down to talk and then that got so long that she was cold... I wasn't sure where I was in the whole thing so.... I said "Oh yeah you are supposed to study some more here Ill back I have some stuff to do anyway" "NO NO please stay I dont mean to run you off" "No its cool I gotta do some stuff anyway" "Well lemme hear from you this weekend then!" and I left. As I was walking away I got a text... "I can here you coughing all the way up here" so I quickly said "OH sorry Im gonna try to stop" "Oh no its fine I know it must get on your nerves too" wait ten minutes and I receive " I had a really good time at the movies with you and talking" "Well I did too make sure you have time to talk this weekend" "Oh dont worry haha drunkish daniel is always fun HEHE" "Oh so youll only talk to me if im drunk ;)" "You know what I mean haha" "I do I do and feel free to call me if you want too" "Haha okay"
Well I should at least say it was a good day for this week at least... Ive had better but somehow something feels diffrent, now that I have run so far now that I almost dont care at all it seems to be coming back but im not gonna let it in. Yesterday talking about the orange made me realize something... sometimes its not best to give all your juice because all you leave to be needed is the rind, but if you each give equal parts center and rind it all works better.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Why am I sitting where I sit? Why am I here? Why do I allow myself to put myself throught this?
Later
She just left to go study somewhere with a group of people. IDK and the way she left... Ill see you in a little while like she knows Im gonna be here for a while longer, and try to not stress on your stuff it looks hard take pride in what you can do, then the final words "CALL ME B4 you leave"
What am I doing here why did I sit here and study with her. My friend, told me a few weeks ago "What are you getting out of it..?" I couldnt give him a straight answer. What Im getting is the part of the orange left after its made orange juice, Im allowing myself to settle for the rind of a very inticing fruit. Who cares that the orange is good I dont... I get the rind and some how while im getting the rind I feel fine. But when the rind is gone I have to wait till someone else wants juice just so I can get that rind.
You know I would love some damn OJ but if all im gonna get is rind then damn it I think Id rather have some lemonade!
Later
She just left to go study somewhere with a group of people. IDK and the way she left... Ill see you in a little while like she knows Im gonna be here for a while longer, and try to not stress on your stuff it looks hard take pride in what you can do, then the final words "CALL ME B4 you leave"
What am I doing here why did I sit here and study with her. My friend, told me a few weeks ago "What are you getting out of it..?" I couldnt give him a straight answer. What Im getting is the part of the orange left after its made orange juice, Im allowing myself to settle for the rind of a very inticing fruit. Who cares that the orange is good I dont... I get the rind and some how while im getting the rind I feel fine. But when the rind is gone I have to wait till someone else wants juice just so I can get that rind.
You know I would love some damn OJ but if all im gonna get is rind then damn it I think Id rather have some lemonade!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Wow
Wow... this week has been soooo full of work... we will see how it goes next week. I am way excited about going to wilmington this weekend. I have nothing really new, Ive talked to Sarah last night... Ive gone past that and going and doing my own thing has been good. Weird thing though... most of the girls that were messaging me... talking to me... etc. just stopped all of a sudden I texted a few last week and they never responded, so I left it alone and tried one of them again during the spring game yesterday... NOTHING. Someone told me the other day, just start from scratch throw eerything out and start new. I am trying to start new but I never really realized how hard it was to throw away everything youve had and go to something unknown, Im a fairly proficient friend maker but it seems like those skills are not what they once were. Im gonna try to hit th gym EVERY day this week to get back in the shape I want for the summer, I can lose a pound or two... get some abs done, raise my bench by 10 pounds in the next 2 weeks and I will be happy. Happy for me and doing it cause I want it, i mean maybe a little cause I feel like thats whats wanted of me but for me for the most part.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Aggg
I am very sick... literally. I feel asleep during a test today... in the middle, fun times. Thats about it.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Editors retraction
Yes, I do realize what I write is a bit morbid sometimes... I guess its so that I can materialize the worst case scenario so that I know that it is as bad as it could but that most definitely it will turn out better. I do appreciate all the people that talk to me and are my friends, but that doesn't change the fact that I do feel as though I am growing more and more distant from some key people but I do realize that I only have so much time and since college I have run into A LOT of people so its no wonder I cant spend as much time singularly that I used to.
I know that things are rough and it will never be easy, I have known the concept of LIFE IS UNFAIR since I was five. I played monopoly with my grandpa and when he was caught cheating "this oughta be lesson number one in life; life aint fair.... and I just won." The only conflict I guess is an internal one, since Im playing a cheaters game, is it really cheating if I were to cheat...? I always try to be fair, be moral, be better to people than they are to me, but as someone put it last night "You're too damn nice to people, theres a difference between being selfish and looking out for yourself." It's just that everytime I look out for myself... I.E. "How come you're acting wierd, you didnt come up and say hey" (Sarah), "Well you didnt say hey either, I was just doing my work out with the guys" (me), "Oh I see how it is" (sarah); I get made to feel like the bad guy.
Ill continue this later... I got work to do
I know that things are rough and it will never be easy, I have known the concept of LIFE IS UNFAIR since I was five. I played monopoly with my grandpa and when he was caught cheating "this oughta be lesson number one in life; life aint fair.... and I just won." The only conflict I guess is an internal one, since Im playing a cheaters game, is it really cheating if I were to cheat...? I always try to be fair, be moral, be better to people than they are to me, but as someone put it last night "You're too damn nice to people, theres a difference between being selfish and looking out for yourself." It's just that everytime I look out for myself... I.E. "How come you're acting wierd, you didnt come up and say hey" (Sarah), "Well you didnt say hey either, I was just doing my work out with the guys" (me), "Oh I see how it is" (sarah); I get made to feel like the bad guy.
Ill continue this later... I got work to do
Sunday, April 12, 2009
"Where do you go when you're lonely?"
How is it that someone that has more friends than blades of grass in his yard can feel lonely? Its like those people you see that are thinner than a rail but eat more than anyone or the reverse... those fat people you see that might as well eat celery. Everything you hear every song you listen to, they all say go home and get back to your roots, but the problem is when I come home all I hink of is how it used to be and how it is now. My sister is never here cause she is far busier than I ever was and I was in about every club at school, my dad is working on some work and my mom is content watching Soap Operas shes TiVoed. I guess that might be what it is... I don't want to be content, I push, I strive, I work for weeks so that just for a day I can be happy, and then its all gone the next day and I start again. Its getting later and later closer and closer to the due date, the due date of asiignment, the day I start work for the summer, the day I die nothing gets further away EXCEPT memories; thoughts that you want to remember that you spend time if only seconds each day trying to run through your head simply to not forget. If you notice I didnt say the day I get married or when I have kids, cause that is not for certain. I can work as hard as I want I can get in the best shape of my life, I can be funnier than the comic on TV, I could do all these things at once and still not make it work.
I am at home one last night tonight then I go back to school for the next month to finish out ANOTHER semester, the only thing that is closer is graduation, in fact I feel as though the distance between myself and my friends is growing, I amd recklessly scraping to find something... some consilation as I help person after person find what they want or need right now or it could be ultimately.
Ill finish later.
I am at home one last night tonight then I go back to school for the next month to finish out ANOTHER semester, the only thing that is closer is graduation, in fact I feel as though the distance between myself and my friends is growing, I amd recklessly scraping to find something... some consilation as I help person after person find what they want or need right now or it could be ultimately.
Ill finish later.
Easter
Today is Easter Sunday, and I woke up and went to church. I left my aunt, grandma, and cousin to sleep. I got to church and my whole family had already been to service but they went to the Nursery to work. I went down to the service and saw my friend Keelan she is one of my best friends girlfriends but weve known each other for almost 4 years so we get along really well. Anyway she came up to me and asked me to sit with her and her family so i did and we joked a little during the service. This girl across the aisle came straight over to me when everyone was shaking hands and made certain to shake mine, she was pretty cute, but i dont go to my home church so much so i dont know who she is. Amuzingly though, this little girl in front of me kept doing funny little things and when i chuckled to myself i looked over to see if she was too, she didnt really notice but her dad two more seats away looked my way a couple times and cought me a few times. His look was not that of anything mean or intimidating honestly it was a look more so of "I see you, and go for it." I talked to Keelan some more and the service ended, I decided then if I see her again I'll say hey get a name a number... As I left I saw her pull off in a Lexus and right then i was glad I hadnt said much, it probably wouldnt have worked anyway its w/e. So we ate lunch here at the house and it was pretty good. We watched a movie and some TV, my family left and here I am getting readyu to repack and go back to school in the morning.
But back to last night. My family and I went to the Bulls game... one of the most chill places in the world, I love going, I love taking people, I just love it there and I dont knwo why. Anyway while I was there I broke my week long streak of not talking to Sarah so i texted her and asked if she was alive... and yes she is haha. So I texted back and forth for a bit. She knows me so well, then again who would have believed I went to the Bahamas...? All she said is "no you arent you dork you couldnt be ;)" I asked what she was doing and she said relaxing but not mucha and thaq she was sorry we hadnt talked but she had a really ROUGH week. I told her I wasnt doing much but studying and that we had traded places since last weekend and she was in agreement. I told her that I might go to California this summer for a few days and she was intrigued and I asked if she was still planning on staying around Raleigh this summer and she answered perfectly... "Yes so I can come see you at your farmers market on Saurdays :)" so I said that I might not be there and she might have to trek all the way to my stand and see me durning the week. And we could hangout ove the summer go to movies and such. And she simply replied "Yes haha :)." I swear this girl is killin me and though Ive told her I really dont think she knows it, I really dont know what I see and what she doesnt. I just dont, but its not like there are others waiting on baited breathe and besides I like being with her.
If you regularly read this or are just picking it up... LEAVE ME A COMMENT ON WHAT I SHOULD DO. DROP HER OR STICK WITH IT? Thank you
But back to last night. My family and I went to the Bulls game... one of the most chill places in the world, I love going, I love taking people, I just love it there and I dont knwo why. Anyway while I was there I broke my week long streak of not talking to Sarah so i texted her and asked if she was alive... and yes she is haha. So I texted back and forth for a bit. She knows me so well, then again who would have believed I went to the Bahamas...? All she said is "no you arent you dork you couldnt be ;)" I asked what she was doing and she said relaxing but not mucha and thaq she was sorry we hadnt talked but she had a really ROUGH week. I told her I wasnt doing much but studying and that we had traded places since last weekend and she was in agreement. I told her that I might go to California this summer for a few days and she was intrigued and I asked if she was still planning on staying around Raleigh this summer and she answered perfectly... "Yes so I can come see you at your farmers market on Saurdays :)" so I said that I might not be there and she might have to trek all the way to my stand and see me durning the week. And we could hangout ove the summer go to movies and such. And she simply replied "Yes haha :)." I swear this girl is killin me and though Ive told her I really dont think she knows it, I really dont know what I see and what she doesnt. I just dont, but its not like there are others waiting on baited breathe and besides I like being with her.
If you regularly read this or are just picking it up... LEAVE ME A COMMENT ON WHAT I SHOULD DO. DROP HER OR STICK WITH IT? Thank you
Friday, April 10, 2009
A Coors Day
So this morning I awoke to my Grandma, Aunt, and cousin Jessica jumping on me to wake up. They had arrived! I wanted to sleep, but its always fun with them, we bicker with each other, we argue, we fight, we hug, we laugh. My sister went off to see her boyfriend for a while today... thats just so hard to believe... my sister has a boyfriend.
Speaking of my sister shes quite well, she is two and a half years younger but she doesnt act it. When I come home I love seeing her so much I pester her a little, its so weird to see her one year away from going to college. The weirdest thing though is that as "awkward as my sister acts" someone has found a liking to her, yet as many people as I know and as many friends I have I can't do the same. The truest proof that just being yourself is all that it takes.
We went to the mall and looked for pants for my dad, shorts for me and a dress for Jess. While we were waiting on Jess to get done trying on dresses i thought " I wonder how Jessica's party went last night." So I texted her and she said that they got real shitty and that made me happy cause I realized she had a good time. My friends keep asking if we're getting back together but I simply say "No, she'll be happy one day and I understand that; Im not in that picture." But I will be trying to keep better touch of things that happen. Anyway we went on to Kohl's which they just built nearer our house in the past month. Jess and I came out and sat in the car waiting for mom, my aunt, and grandma. When they finally got to the car THEY LOOKED PISSED! We found out that my grandma couldnt find her VISA so we looked throught the car. We went back to the mall and my mom told me to occupy grandma and Jess while she and my aunt went in to look. We sat outside and me and Jess and Grandma jabbered about everything, I took a piss in the parking lot and we had a good time. We finally came home and I was hungry so I headed for the fridge right as Grandma came in and said she had found her card in her car. We were all kinda preturbed so as mom cooked a simple dinner I passed out Mike's Hard Limades to everyone except my cousin and sister and grabbed a Coors myself. So now here i sit with more work to do and laundry to catch up on, people to call, and family to hangout with. Today has been hardly easy but then again it has been full of action which makes me happy cause I really like my family.
Speaking of my sister shes quite well, she is two and a half years younger but she doesnt act it. When I come home I love seeing her so much I pester her a little, its so weird to see her one year away from going to college. The weirdest thing though is that as "awkward as my sister acts" someone has found a liking to her, yet as many people as I know and as many friends I have I can't do the same. The truest proof that just being yourself is all that it takes.
We went to the mall and looked for pants for my dad, shorts for me and a dress for Jess. While we were waiting on Jess to get done trying on dresses i thought " I wonder how Jessica's party went last night." So I texted her and she said that they got real shitty and that made me happy cause I realized she had a good time. My friends keep asking if we're getting back together but I simply say "No, she'll be happy one day and I understand that; Im not in that picture." But I will be trying to keep better touch of things that happen. Anyway we went on to Kohl's which they just built nearer our house in the past month. Jess and I came out and sat in the car waiting for mom, my aunt, and grandma. When they finally got to the car THEY LOOKED PISSED! We found out that my grandma couldnt find her VISA so we looked throught the car. We went back to the mall and my mom told me to occupy grandma and Jess while she and my aunt went in to look. We sat outside and me and Jess and Grandma jabbered about everything, I took a piss in the parking lot and we had a good time. We finally came home and I was hungry so I headed for the fridge right as Grandma came in and said she had found her card in her car. We were all kinda preturbed so as mom cooked a simple dinner I passed out Mike's Hard Limades to everyone except my cousin and sister and grabbed a Coors myself. So now here i sit with more work to do and laundry to catch up on, people to call, and family to hangout with. Today has been hardly easy but then again it has been full of action which makes me happy cause I really like my family.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A GC day
"GC should stand for "Giant Cockroach" that pesters my day with dumb little things im supposed to do"
So today kinda blows... I got up, went to breakfast... not sooo bad. Went to Dynamics and got back my 16 for my quiz not too good... then I got here to GC the longest class in the world, all we do is learn to model bullshit on the computer. I had done all my hw but have brough none of it with me so now during lunch me and Dri Dri get to go to the library to hastily throw it all together and get it to my teachers office before I go home for break tonight. But i cant just do that and leave nope I have to go to my two quizes so my original 5pm leave with a nice lunch turned into me leaving tonight at 8pm and probably no lunch ... this blows!
So today kinda blows... I got up, went to breakfast... not sooo bad. Went to Dynamics and got back my 16 for my quiz not too good... then I got here to GC the longest class in the world, all we do is learn to model bullshit on the computer. I had done all my hw but have brough none of it with me so now during lunch me and Dri Dri get to go to the library to hastily throw it all together and get it to my teachers office before I go home for break tonight. But i cant just do that and leave nope I have to go to my two quizes so my original 5pm leave with a nice lunch turned into me leaving tonight at 8pm and probably no lunch ... this blows!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
"Let her Cry"
The title was jsut what i was listening to when I wrote this.
"If the sun comes up tomorrow let her be" Well today is tomorrow and the sun is out despite being slightly cool and windy. I felt like shit when I woke up at 9 to go to breakfast... (How ironical Hotel California just came on right now :) "Such a lovely place, such a lovely face" "We are all just prisoners here...can't kill the beast" Ive never listened to this song so hard before this song is sooo true and makes so much sense right now. "You can never leave" I said would never leave. WOW!...anyway back to the blog) Every other swallow was not that of food but the mucusy substance due to the OBNOXIOUS amounts of pollen in the air. So I came back to my room took a few medicines.. laid down for an hour and slept.
When will got back we went to Case, the athletic and best dining hall on campus, for lunch. The walk over there was refreshed... it was weird I hate awoken sick sorta napped and now the day was clearer than it had been for weeks. I saw my friends and we talked about the great weekends we had so I went to class. When I got to class I sat FRONT AND CENTER, usually I sit back a little and to the side but my friend said she wouldn't be there so I sat up front. The first thing I noticed was that this girl that sits in the front was looking very cute today and then I realized why I had always thought she looked so cute, her eyes and nose the way they meshed reminded me of someone and I just realized it. But the teacher entered the room and the first thing she said was there would be no quiz today. I was thinking HELLLL YESSS! then she continued to say that we had no more quizzes for the rest of the year. We proceeded to learn and unlike most days I watched, I learned, I took notes, I understood what the hell we were actually doing!
After class ended normally I would go to Chem lab but that was canceled for the week so I came back to my dorm in the bright warm sun. As people passed I smiled, I said hello to the many I knew I did one of those crazy 360 spin things you see in the movies, I felt alive. I stopped by the FYC desk to see Eilene and she said shed be over at 4 to do the chem... so she got here we did ALL of the HW for the week. I dont know what it is but sometimes we'll be joking around and then she looks into my eyes and STARES for 5 complete seconds. The thing is she has a boyfriend whom shes been with for 1.5 years now, I think. But that doesnt stop her from staring at me. It confuses the shit outta me, will tells me daily "SHE WANTS THE DICK" but I just laugh and sigh.
Anyway its time to eat and thats what Im gonna do. More work to do tonight, then maybe go do more work with Dri Dri, shit I dont know what tonight may hold.
"If the sun comes up tomorrow let her be" Well today is tomorrow and the sun is out despite being slightly cool and windy. I felt like shit when I woke up at 9 to go to breakfast... (How ironical Hotel California just came on right now :) "Such a lovely place, such a lovely face" "We are all just prisoners here...can't kill the beast" Ive never listened to this song so hard before this song is sooo true and makes so much sense right now. "You can never leave" I said would never leave. WOW!...anyway back to the blog) Every other swallow was not that of food but the mucusy substance due to the OBNOXIOUS amounts of pollen in the air. So I came back to my room took a few medicines.. laid down for an hour and slept.
When will got back we went to Case, the athletic and best dining hall on campus, for lunch. The walk over there was refreshed... it was weird I hate awoken sick sorta napped and now the day was clearer than it had been for weeks. I saw my friends and we talked about the great weekends we had so I went to class. When I got to class I sat FRONT AND CENTER, usually I sit back a little and to the side but my friend said she wouldn't be there so I sat up front. The first thing I noticed was that this girl that sits in the front was looking very cute today and then I realized why I had always thought she looked so cute, her eyes and nose the way they meshed reminded me of someone and I just realized it. But the teacher entered the room and the first thing she said was there would be no quiz today. I was thinking HELLLL YESSS! then she continued to say that we had no more quizzes for the rest of the year. We proceeded to learn and unlike most days I watched, I learned, I took notes, I understood what the hell we were actually doing!
After class ended normally I would go to Chem lab but that was canceled for the week so I came back to my dorm in the bright warm sun. As people passed I smiled, I said hello to the many I knew I did one of those crazy 360 spin things you see in the movies, I felt alive. I stopped by the FYC desk to see Eilene and she said shed be over at 4 to do the chem... so she got here we did ALL of the HW for the week. I dont know what it is but sometimes we'll be joking around and then she looks into my eyes and STARES for 5 complete seconds. The thing is she has a boyfriend whom shes been with for 1.5 years now, I think. But that doesnt stop her from staring at me. It confuses the shit outta me, will tells me daily "SHE WANTS THE DICK" but I just laugh and sigh.
Anyway its time to eat and thats what Im gonna do. More work to do tonight, then maybe go do more work with Dri Dri, shit I dont know what tonight may hold.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The universe has been returned to orbit
I just got my test back for which I was praying to get a 75 nope... I got a 92 and I should have gotten a 98 but I was being dumb. I went to office hours for Diff Eq yesterday and I swear I hate that class... its just sooooo abstract, I mean I can be that sometimes too but not to this extent.
Honestly this morning I woke up at 7 from which I fell asleep about 3 and I was wired, I went in an killed my quiz. Then I just sat with the guy beside me joking cause our teacher is insane and you learn nothing from him. I dont know... I know if Im there I may as well take notes, but I just don't, there's something there that would allow me to sketch portraits of the class with a full charcoal set as opposed to take notes.
As I said the universe is back in orbit I talked to someone last night, I was affirmed of what I already was thinking, I just had to talk it out. I was never trying to get back into her life in that way, I was just coming to see how everything was. I just got wrapped up in the whole feel of it all. Its been so long since Ive been around someone that cared about me in that way, that seemed to appreciate who I was. In fact she was the last girl I have really fallen for with success, the other still teases me and plays dumb. So in this post I have to apologize if she thinks that I was mad or if i have motives beyond caring. I realize her master plan and I didnt mean to fall in the way, for her sake and for my sake alike, I have gotten back up and to the side. I just hope that she knows like I said previously that I will always care and that to a lesser extreme she will always have a diluted effect to that of her toxin. But I will remember that she is poisoned and now destined to a singular path for he is her antidote and poison alike. While I have managed to broaden my path I dont know where it goes or who else lies within it my body is still strong and the list of medicaments larger, I just hope I find my prescription soon.
Honestly this morning I woke up at 7 from which I fell asleep about 3 and I was wired, I went in an killed my quiz. Then I just sat with the guy beside me joking cause our teacher is insane and you learn nothing from him. I dont know... I know if Im there I may as well take notes, but I just don't, there's something there that would allow me to sketch portraits of the class with a full charcoal set as opposed to take notes.
As I said the universe is back in orbit I talked to someone last night, I was affirmed of what I already was thinking, I just had to talk it out. I was never trying to get back into her life in that way, I was just coming to see how everything was. I just got wrapped up in the whole feel of it all. Its been so long since Ive been around someone that cared about me in that way, that seemed to appreciate who I was. In fact she was the last girl I have really fallen for with success, the other still teases me and plays dumb. So in this post I have to apologize if she thinks that I was mad or if i have motives beyond caring. I realize her master plan and I didnt mean to fall in the way, for her sake and for my sake alike, I have gotten back up and to the side. I just hope that she knows like I said previously that I will always care and that to a lesser extreme she will always have a diluted effect to that of her toxin. But I will remember that she is poisoned and now destined to a singular path for he is her antidote and poison alike. While I have managed to broaden my path I dont know where it goes or who else lies within it my body is still strong and the list of medicaments larger, I just hope I find my prescription soon.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Not denying anything but expecting
I don't deny the fact that I have asked, I dont deny the fact that there have been many others the same as me who have asked. But I do deny that i expect it to work, I do deny that I expect anything anymore. I dont speak of one person I speak of people...I dont feel like I could ask a person the color of an orange and expect a correct answer. But do I not ask do I not try NO, I do ask, I do try, I dont stop. Life isnt based on expectation is based on what is, Ive learned in the past few years NOTHING is granted, nothing is free. Just last semester I took a test... got the answer to a question right but my computer cut off I wrote down my answer anyway I wrote out the question... all the choices and the choice I chose I even wrote why... had it signed as legitimate by the TA presiding but did I recieve credit... no I dropped 1.5 letter grades for no reason and all I got was "I DONT CARE WHAT HAPPENED." I dont expect, I didnt expect anything the other day and you know what I was pleasantly surprised because I got something back. I got words that meant more than the any number on any transcript on any check, I got a sorry, and I got sincerity. Im not asking to be your one in a million, im just asking to be in the top half of the million. And while I expect nothing I do expect to be expected of and I will expect that and meet those who make expectations.
You asked me never to leave you then. I said I wouldnt leave and I wont. You ask me to be lonely with you. What is it that YOU expect? I may not be set on one person but dont think my resolve is any less strong. I will be here I will not leave, others may come... some may stay forever some may go in a minute... but few will always have a seat at my table and that you have and should ALWAYS expect to have cause it will always be there.
You asked me never to leave you then. I said I wouldnt leave and I wont. You ask me to be lonely with you. What is it that YOU expect? I may not be set on one person but dont think my resolve is any less strong. I will be here I will not leave, others may come... some may stay forever some may go in a minute... but few will always have a seat at my table and that you have and should ALWAYS expect to have cause it will always be there.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Digging up Bodies you thought were dead.
No the title might not make sense at first but think about during the older times people were buried with bells so that if they were still alive the could be exhumed, think of the shock that you would have knowing someone you cared about died, but come to find out they were just lay dormant for a time.
I dont know what Im doing right now. Ive tried for the past year and a half for one girl. Off and on she teases me giving me just enough to keep me moving keep me around. I finally pulled away before spring break and she doesnt say a thing, yet when i get back Im asked if we're ok... this from the girl that wont admit to liking me the one who the next week i find crying in my arms on a bench. She was crying because she was "worried about things" "we had class first and second semester and we danced last semester but i just dont see you as much this semester cause youve got your classes and ive got mine." We talk in the cold on a bench curled together under a blanket for 3 hours about everything just content with each others company and the resolution which had come about. Ive only felt anything of this magnitude once before. To the average person you would think these kind of emotions are meant for an aspiring couple of some sort, especially when i add the fact that if i didnt have free in texting we would run up a $150 phone bill myself only counting our communication. As I said i pulled back... i stopped caring cause it wasnt helping, all it did was drain me but then i run into her outside coming back from the library at 1am and we talk in the cold again for 20 min about god knows what. Followed closely the subsequent and third night in a row by a mutual wish to see "Benjamin Button" she looks and giggles at me throughout the movie, she touches my arm often, curling close to me and touches her nose to my ear with every syllable of every whisper... but we've been here before... im tired of pretending to jump into a warm pool when i know its cold.
So ive decided enough, I wont stop but im not gonna be fooled again. "Never again no-o-o no never again.~ Vertical Horizon"
Later as i go to sleep I recieve a text from my friend justin so i go to his place to see whats up... they were playing circle of death and there was this girl there that instanly started calling me Dan the man and hitting on me... long story short we hit cook out and she starts kissing me while we wait for our food, on the way back we make out again as my friend is driving, she even tries to get me back to her room but im not up for that tonight, its not the time or the place I had met her three hours ago, so i leave her in the care of her roomy but we've talked some... Then theres another girl that i see a good bit... shes cute as hell she hangs out with us sometimes but we hadnt met till last week and ive been chatting her too but she has a "boyfriend" at another school farther away, she never talks about him she has no pictures with him, he doesnt exist except for the relationship box on Facebook.
The real story is this weekend, it started thursday when a few friends came up and we went to a beach music club. I got banded we drank and had a good time so the next day we make it to class and we have to leave for wilmington, the place of all places, where my soul lingers days after i leave because it is always relaxing and enjoyable. But I go down and see roomys girl and we go eat... on the way ive gotten several texts from Jessica the only other person who has made me feel like Sarah does. I have been trying to come visit for months but it doesnt happen... I dont know why. Maybe I was scared of what might happen. You know how they tell you in school never to mix drugs cause of the 1+1=3 or more rule well, Wilmington+Her= A LOT. We went out and partied and I felt like i was having an alright time at first cause there was this guy who was just being somewhat obnoxious but he was just trying to get jessicas attention so i cant hold that against him, but we go to the party and it is FUN, I hit 22 beers plus liquor and im surprisingly good. I go outside to talk to her and some other people and the kid from earlier starts talking to me i tell him we had dated and he proceeds to tell me about how beautiful she is, but he doesnt seem to do her justice with the... looks good and cute, all i could think about was that day two years ago i thought for probably and hour about how to describe her so i settled on Estrella which just sounds wonderful off the tongue and translates to the most captivating things visible to us, stars. All of this rushed through me soo quickly, to the extreme that one second later i was ready to fight for her... but then i remembered she was no longer mine, i wasnt who she wanted to fight for her. This guy like me saw the beauty, he saw what i saw. Yeah maybe he didnt know how to say it his vernacular was lacking but the thought was there, yet he still lacked the emotional attachment I had once had, and as I found out right then... still had. We got done partying and proceeded back in a jeep full of people. When we got back to her place I took my bag in and we quickly lied down. We kissed we talked we messed around... we talked for im not sure how long but the meaning of what was said was enough to out last all of the Great Wonders. She apologized for what had happened 2 years ago she told me she was sorry and that I didnt deserve that, but I had gotten past it long ago... i wasnt mad I was sad cause I could hear the guilt in what she said she told me more things, things that should have shaken me things that would quake continents but I again wasnt in the least bit upset at her, I was upset with her I was upset at myself... where had I GONE this time why didnt I already know. It took me a few minutes to stop thinking about it and so I kept going, I had told her in the past how much I cared I had said these things now I wanted to show her, I was about to go further but then I thought... me being in 22 beers plus liquor, I thought... despite our past and how things had gone, even that I was in control, Ive wanted this for 2 years but I stopped, I mean at least not like this. The next morning I woke up at about nine i tried to go back to sleep but I wasnt tired... I was exhilarated, exhilarated simple watching her head on the right side of my chest move up...down...up...down.... long sigh... resume. I watched then i got some water and laid back down. After sometime I could tell she was awake for the day so I touched her arm... all the way to her back. I had forgotten how perfectly textured how perfectly tempertured she was, I told her it was the softest thing I had ever felt and I saw it soak in like a sweet flavored food, and so I then said "You know they should make toilet paper out of you," the perfect tang to the sweetest food. We talked for a minute, then I showered and went back with my friends. I was fine I didnt know how but I was. I hung out with everyone and we went to the Festival in downtown and all I wanted to do was lay down I was tired, so we went to the beach where I lay out and talked. We played frisbee and football we lay and talked more. Finally we went back and got ready to eat but by this time I wasnt fine. A seed, a familiar one had been planted and It was growing like a vine. I was missing her... for the past year I had talked to her only once a month on average but now it was only six hours later and I wanted to talk to her again I wanted to see her I wanted last night back I wanted two years back.
We partied again that night and it was really fun I connected with a few people I had met the last time I was down between the games the people and the alcohol I was well distracted. I talked to some people about a few things then when the party started coming down I went outside... I was out there from 2am till about 5am thinking, looking, talking to people for a minute as they left a few stayed and talked for a half hour but most for a few minutes... I hadnt realized till five that it the temperature had dropped about 20 degrees. I had began with the moon above me but I left with it in my face. I came in and went to sleep and woke up about one the next day, we went out toward the beach to eat we came back and chilled... palyed Frisbee, talked, I talked again with a few people I had talked to one person the night before given them some advice and that day they came back and told me it really made sense. We all went out and grilled one guys apartment and then we left we rolled out about 10 pm arriving here yesterday at about midnight. I was so tired but i couldnt sleep I stayed up thinking, fb chatting, and doing school work to pass the time, I finally went to sleep at 5 and was up again by noon today. Ive been to class and now I have more work to do but Ill get it done soon.
I know there are more days of writing to do. I know it will all work out, honestly just in the time its taken me to write this im better I just need full immersion in finishing the year strong right now.
I dont know what Im doing right now. Ive tried for the past year and a half for one girl. Off and on she teases me giving me just enough to keep me moving keep me around. I finally pulled away before spring break and she doesnt say a thing, yet when i get back Im asked if we're ok... this from the girl that wont admit to liking me the one who the next week i find crying in my arms on a bench. She was crying because she was "worried about things" "we had class first and second semester and we danced last semester but i just dont see you as much this semester cause youve got your classes and ive got mine." We talk in the cold on a bench curled together under a blanket for 3 hours about everything just content with each others company and the resolution which had come about. Ive only felt anything of this magnitude once before. To the average person you would think these kind of emotions are meant for an aspiring couple of some sort, especially when i add the fact that if i didnt have free in texting we would run up a $150 phone bill myself only counting our communication. As I said i pulled back... i stopped caring cause it wasnt helping, all it did was drain me but then i run into her outside coming back from the library at 1am and we talk in the cold again for 20 min about god knows what. Followed closely the subsequent and third night in a row by a mutual wish to see "Benjamin Button" she looks and giggles at me throughout the movie, she touches my arm often, curling close to me and touches her nose to my ear with every syllable of every whisper... but we've been here before... im tired of pretending to jump into a warm pool when i know its cold.
So ive decided enough, I wont stop but im not gonna be fooled again. "Never again no-o-o no never again.~ Vertical Horizon"
Later as i go to sleep I recieve a text from my friend justin so i go to his place to see whats up... they were playing circle of death and there was this girl there that instanly started calling me Dan the man and hitting on me... long story short we hit cook out and she starts kissing me while we wait for our food, on the way back we make out again as my friend is driving, she even tries to get me back to her room but im not up for that tonight, its not the time or the place I had met her three hours ago, so i leave her in the care of her roomy but we've talked some... Then theres another girl that i see a good bit... shes cute as hell she hangs out with us sometimes but we hadnt met till last week and ive been chatting her too but she has a "boyfriend" at another school farther away, she never talks about him she has no pictures with him, he doesnt exist except for the relationship box on Facebook.
The real story is this weekend, it started thursday when a few friends came up and we went to a beach music club. I got banded we drank and had a good time so the next day we make it to class and we have to leave for wilmington, the place of all places, where my soul lingers days after i leave because it is always relaxing and enjoyable. But I go down and see roomys girl and we go eat... on the way ive gotten several texts from Jessica the only other person who has made me feel like Sarah does. I have been trying to come visit for months but it doesnt happen... I dont know why. Maybe I was scared of what might happen. You know how they tell you in school never to mix drugs cause of the 1+1=3 or more rule well, Wilmington+Her= A LOT. We went out and partied and I felt like i was having an alright time at first cause there was this guy who was just being somewhat obnoxious but he was just trying to get jessicas attention so i cant hold that against him, but we go to the party and it is FUN, I hit 22 beers plus liquor and im surprisingly good. I go outside to talk to her and some other people and the kid from earlier starts talking to me i tell him we had dated and he proceeds to tell me about how beautiful she is, but he doesnt seem to do her justice with the... looks good and cute, all i could think about was that day two years ago i thought for probably and hour about how to describe her so i settled on Estrella which just sounds wonderful off the tongue and translates to the most captivating things visible to us, stars. All of this rushed through me soo quickly, to the extreme that one second later i was ready to fight for her... but then i remembered she was no longer mine, i wasnt who she wanted to fight for her. This guy like me saw the beauty, he saw what i saw. Yeah maybe he didnt know how to say it his vernacular was lacking but the thought was there, yet he still lacked the emotional attachment I had once had, and as I found out right then... still had. We got done partying and proceeded back in a jeep full of people. When we got back to her place I took my bag in and we quickly lied down. We kissed we talked we messed around... we talked for im not sure how long but the meaning of what was said was enough to out last all of the Great Wonders. She apologized for what had happened 2 years ago she told me she was sorry and that I didnt deserve that, but I had gotten past it long ago... i wasnt mad I was sad cause I could hear the guilt in what she said she told me more things, things that should have shaken me things that would quake continents but I again wasnt in the least bit upset at her, I was upset with her I was upset at myself... where had I GONE this time why didnt I already know. It took me a few minutes to stop thinking about it and so I kept going, I had told her in the past how much I cared I had said these things now I wanted to show her, I was about to go further but then I thought... me being in 22 beers plus liquor, I thought... despite our past and how things had gone, even that I was in control, Ive wanted this for 2 years but I stopped, I mean at least not like this. The next morning I woke up at about nine i tried to go back to sleep but I wasnt tired... I was exhilarated, exhilarated simple watching her head on the right side of my chest move up...down...up...down.... long sigh... resume. I watched then i got some water and laid back down. After sometime I could tell she was awake for the day so I touched her arm... all the way to her back. I had forgotten how perfectly textured how perfectly tempertured she was, I told her it was the softest thing I had ever felt and I saw it soak in like a sweet flavored food, and so I then said "You know they should make toilet paper out of you," the perfect tang to the sweetest food. We talked for a minute, then I showered and went back with my friends. I was fine I didnt know how but I was. I hung out with everyone and we went to the Festival in downtown and all I wanted to do was lay down I was tired, so we went to the beach where I lay out and talked. We played frisbee and football we lay and talked more. Finally we went back and got ready to eat but by this time I wasnt fine. A seed, a familiar one had been planted and It was growing like a vine. I was missing her... for the past year I had talked to her only once a month on average but now it was only six hours later and I wanted to talk to her again I wanted to see her I wanted last night back I wanted two years back.
We partied again that night and it was really fun I connected with a few people I had met the last time I was down between the games the people and the alcohol I was well distracted. I talked to some people about a few things then when the party started coming down I went outside... I was out there from 2am till about 5am thinking, looking, talking to people for a minute as they left a few stayed and talked for a half hour but most for a few minutes... I hadnt realized till five that it the temperature had dropped about 20 degrees. I had began with the moon above me but I left with it in my face. I came in and went to sleep and woke up about one the next day, we went out toward the beach to eat we came back and chilled... palyed Frisbee, talked, I talked again with a few people I had talked to one person the night before given them some advice and that day they came back and told me it really made sense. We all went out and grilled one guys apartment and then we left we rolled out about 10 pm arriving here yesterday at about midnight. I was so tired but i couldnt sleep I stayed up thinking, fb chatting, and doing school work to pass the time, I finally went to sleep at 5 and was up again by noon today. Ive been to class and now I have more work to do but Ill get it done soon.
I know there are more days of writing to do. I know it will all work out, honestly just in the time its taken me to write this im better I just need full immersion in finishing the year strong right now.
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