Yes, I do realize what I write is a bit morbid sometimes... I guess its so that I can materialize the worst case scenario so that I know that it is as bad as it could but that most definitely it will turn out better. I do appreciate all the people that talk to me and are my friends, but that doesn't change the fact that I do feel as though I am growing more and more distant from some key people but I do realize that I only have so much time and since college I have run into A LOT of people so its no wonder I cant spend as much time singularly that I used to.
I know that things are rough and it will never be easy, I have known the concept of LIFE IS UNFAIR since I was five. I played monopoly with my grandpa and when he was caught cheating "this oughta be lesson number one in life; life aint fair.... and I just won." The only conflict I guess is an internal one, since Im playing a cheaters game, is it really cheating if I were to cheat...? I always try to be fair, be moral, be better to people than they are to me, but as someone put it last night "You're too damn nice to people, theres a difference between being selfish and looking out for yourself." It's just that everytime I look out for myself... I.E. "How come you're acting wierd, you didnt come up and say hey" (Sarah), "Well you didnt say hey either, I was just doing my work out with the guys" (me), "Oh I see how it is" (sarah); I get made to feel like the bad guy.
Ill continue this later... I got work to do
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The reason you get that reaction...the "oh-he's-being-an-asshole" reaction...is because you very rarely stand up for yourself that way. When you do, it comes as a shock to the person you're talking to (at first) because all of a sudden they can't walk all over you. There's nothing wrong with you saying things like that from time to time. And your friend who told you that you're too nice...he's right. ;) Don't change who you are, because being sweet is a good thing. Just don't let everyone else get away with inconsistent behavior and then point the finger at you and make you feel guilty. You're not the one who should feel that way.
LIFE IS UNFAIR. It's the world we live in. In the perfect world, looks would not matter, people would always be honest, and the good guys would finish first. As it is, none of these things are true. Life is indeed very unfair. But here it what makes all the difference in the world: stand up for yourself, for what you believe to be good and true and right, and let everyone know what you want. Self-sacrifice is noble, something I am more than willing to do myself, but sometimes it is also self-defeating. Don't allow your willingness to sacrifice your feelings, your wants, your needs, your desires just to make someone else happy. Stand up for yourself. Speak up! "I want this" or "Let's go here." That is not selfish. That is strong-willed. I think people react better to strong wills than self-sacrifice. Try it. See what happens.
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