WOW

i thought college was supposed to be the time of oppurtunity. Of sex, drugs, people, new friends, dating, and fun, and school too. as of right now i have one of those SCHOOL, it takes so long and its soo hard watching everyone else go party and have fun when you are working your ass off, and you want to go and say screw it like in highschool but you cant because SOMEONE is paying thousnads of dollars for you to be able to do that work. I appreciate that soo much and thats myy problem. I respect and appreciate things too much. I should jsut let go, just go and get shit faced and jigh and laid all in the same night!! but i wont, i cant thats not what i want, i know what i want. I cant have what i want, i want more time i want to go back for the first time ever, i want to meet HER, and i want it NOW. Nothing else matters thats it. But right now everything EXCEPT that seems to have to matter or else what is the point? Im waiting here, is the bus gonna stop or am i gonna have to jump in front of it?

Sisters

Gosh Ive been packing for college whcich has been really hectic but not to bad. But then my sister came in and was looking at all my stuff, like my memorabilia, trophies, and awards and just sentemental things. She picked up this red glass that i got this year at prom and was looking at it, but i was pack so i wasn thinking about it. Well me and my ex-girfriend had put our fingerprints on the glass on the bottom to remember. Well even before my sister said anything I got a wierd feeling like something bad was gonna happen. Then as i looked up she was tearing the wax off and I just went from 0 to 100 and flipped on her. I chased her through the house and just like layed her out. I feel kinda bad about laying her out but ya know you, you don tfuck with peoples shit like that. I dont know why I flipped like i did its not like she broke the glass or anything. I guess you cant preserve your stuff forever.

Which way do i turn

Wow what is going on? Im sooo confused. Im going to State next week and Im excited, but I dont know. I thought I had finally convinced myself I might find someone else, but I havent yet. It was so natural before but now I try to keep going and i dont get anywhere. I guess maybe Im telling myself I want to go but I know that im intentionally leaving the parking brake on.
What does this mean? Ive got to focus first but I dont know. Do I go forward or am I flipped around and forward is backward and backward is forward. IDK

I dont know! Im back here. Im sorry i havent been on in a while. Im lost again, Brian has been gone three weeks and im about to be done working. I cant wait for college. I took the day off to meet with this girl and at first i thought she was standing me up but it turns out she had an alright reason. Im still pissed about it though, right now my life seems like such a waste. I have called coutless people and everyone seems to be busy. I think Im doomed some days. I have no one to really lean on, someone that will always be there, anytime. The golden rule is wrong just cause you drop everthing when ever anyone needs help doesnt mean that even one person will be there when you need help.

Except you, you couldnt love me and I believe you wanted too I do. You are still trying to be there but I think you realize you cant cause then i could fall deeper. But just because you cant doesnt mean I cant. If I would have said it would it have helped? I wanted to be able to prove it first, then say it soo you knew I ment it, and I do. I realize it couldnt ha ve been that kind but I can still be there for you,and love you, and help you with anything. I can and will be your step so you can reach the stars I dont care if your feet are muddy, or if you stand on my back to look for him. Now all i care about i guess is that you are atleast on my back.

Im horrible, now all i do is fight with my mom again all the time. Sometimes I wish that i could just go to sleep forever. I mean that wouldnt be so bad would it? Like i would never have to worry about anything again, or cover somones ass when they screw up. I would get to the finish faster. But what do i want to finish? I dont know

AAAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Have you ever been in a hallway full of doors and you can't figure out which one to go in. Which ones have electric knobs, I eventually think I found one to go into because it might be a cool room but I cant go in. Im trying to but you cant break a door down, but you cant just tap it and go to the next you have to apply the right pressure, or else the right door may never open.

You said you needed your space
I wasn't where you wanted to be
I didn't stand in your way
I only want you to be happy
And so how surprised am I
To see you here tonight
Oh, cant you see
That for worse,or for better,
We're better together
Please, just come back home
No, don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so
Sometimes in our life
We get to where we wonder if
The long road that we're on
Is headin' in the same direction
Well, when it comes to you and me
We're right where I know we should be
Oh, cant you see
That for worse,
or for better,
We're better together
Please, just come back home

How did this happen? Im going to go see Sarah tonight, I think but Im all confused again. How come I can help everyone else and I have the right answers but I can't do it? How did you slip back in?

"I thought you were just a passing storm, but nope it turns out i live in Seattle, its gonna rain and it isn't gonna stop but for a little while." Dan

Long time no write. lol

Well Im getting less and less good at this but Ive been pretty good. I was actually really happy to hear that Jessica had finally found what she wanted and Colby wasn't being a douche and she wouldn't have to deal with this shit any longer but I guess not. I hope it works out for them, and it works soon. I met this girl through one of my friends a month ago and weve been trying to get together but we are both sooo busy. Im just waiting for the opportunity to leave that hallway of doors and walk into the next room. Shes going to state with me but shes living at home soo whatever. Why am I even looking before I get to state am I retarted? I just can't wait for the next month to go by. I cant believe 3 months ago this was to be the best summer of my life then a month ago I was wishing i lived in Australia and now Im good and Im just trying to figure out whether to punch left or duck right. lol The farm is self destructiong like it does every year, and Im trying to save everthing like I always do, trying to take the weight of the world on my shoulders, but you can't do that without hurting your back. Why do I do it? Why do I try so hard to help people like mark who are good but they treat people like shit, I mean I work for him why am I doing his job trying to make sure everythign stays running?


Ps. You said it not me "People don't change" and you are right so just listen to yourself cause you know what to do and whats best, just do it.

Im walking on sunshine

Wow! This is wierd, I just realized I have not made nearly enough money yet this summer and its half over I gotta get crackin. I just thought about the past week and I dont know. Like today last week I was going to serve beer at a Durham Bulls game to save Ms. Bost. I was trying to make it home so I could talk to Jessica and see what was up.
Anyway Im back were I was three months ago. I met this girl about 3 weeks ago and now I think we're finally gonna go out and do something cause we have both been BUSSSYYY. But Im not as nervous as I have been it the past cause I gotta be me and if she likes me she likes me and if she doesn't then oh well try again. I just hate the fact that I know the answer to all of my problems but I can't believe them. Like Im pretty sure ill end up happy and married and everything but Im sooo scared that I won't. But lately Ive been happy really happy. I mean everyone remembers the Wiebke from before, well hes back. I can take joy once again in sellign produce and talking to old ladies, I enjoy life again. I can' wait for college, I gotta get out though something sooooonnn.

I don't know

Man this summer is turning out pretty good. I have reconnected with some old friends, Im making money which is a plus, and most importantly Im still making more friends.
So far I have become really close again with B-Gal, Rachael, Fish, Kaitlyn, BK and Rob. I made some new friends through Jessica who are cool and I talk to some of them more than my closest friends. Cliff and I are cool I haven't talked to Suzzy in a while but shes been in Mexico, Robin went from not liking me to think I was a pretty cool kid, and Amanda and Jordan have talked to me some. Patrick I don't know yet, I think he still hates me, but thats ok. I guess Ill go see them when they get back from Puerto Rico.
Mark's taking us all out on the boat for the fourth cause hes letting us off early which is sweet!! We'll probably drink the night away or something chilling out there floating around lol. I donno this summer might do a 180 after all, but lets just not get our hopes up just yet. Ohhh and college in 2 months yeahhhhh. I really gotta go chill with Will sometime. lol Speaking of Will me and Tony were chillin and we went by Lindseys house where Lindsey and Will were and we lurked outside for like 10 minutes trying to call them. Then lindseys mom came out and was like "They're on the porch shhhhh!!!!" So we talked to Will and Lindsey who had been hiding from us and then we left but when we left we yelled out the window " OK WILL Trojan's it is!!!" It was soooooo hilarious lol. Then we went and got free food from Sonic cause I know everyone that works there. Wow it has been pretty interesting!

I can't believe the past three days. I have done sooo much better. I mean Wednesday night I went to Jessicas church to see her and how everyone was doing and it was cool. Till the end I was having fun then when it was time to say goodbye I didn' know how it hurt but it was great to see her. But now it seems like her life is getting back on track overshadowed by a tragedy is something that for both of our sakes is true. I really truely do hope that she can find true love with him because if se doesn't then she will be devestated, but somehow the past two or three days I honestly started to believe in them. The one thing I have left to do is meet this guy, this one who has cause her so much pain and joy. In a wierd way, it really is wierd, I want to see what I was missing but anyway.

I work one more day this week and then IM OFFF to go have fun, then I work. Then I have family reunioun time. I can't wait for college its going to be sooooo much fun!!!! I have to start chilling with my friends more now. Boy today was a goood dayyyy despite the rain.

I hope I haven't fallen into the same trap as you

Wow! last night was the best conveersation i've had in a while. I wont go into detail but it was good. I felt like a huge burden was lifted. I took on a new burden though but its new so its ok. Last night I said it was over, but I think its only the beginning, of what I don't know. The only thing I can say is that no matter what you said and I said its not over and I think you know it, you want it to be and I want it to be for you but its not. I hate my heart sometimes, God blessed me with a good heart and I KNOW that for a fact. My heart is like the Pheonix when it dies it is reborn of the flames, and last night i signed a paper that said I would stop but Im not 18 so its not legally binding.
I am more rested now but I shutter to think, that after alllllllllll that I still have hope. I mean you said you couldn't love me, you still loved him and you will forever, I know that. I think though that you're crazy if you thought you were going to love me in a month more than you love him in 17 years. I mean I guess im crazy cause you shot straight to the top of my list and I loved you more than a lot of people, who I don't know, not my mom or dad or sister but people ive known for a while. Love takes time sometimes and sometimes not. There are also diffrent types of love and you may soon find out that you can love in diffrent ways than you thought. That is something I learned from all this.

What takes more than you want but gives you everything you need,
and can leave in a second or come back when you've leaved,
when you turn your back it appears,
but if you look to hard youll be waiting years?
Love

~ Me~

Im looking everywhere, don't think Im not I ready to move past this. If what you KNOW will happen doesn't, don't be scared to come back to me where ever I am, you will always have another chance.

I have more but I don't, it will be here later.

Untitled

You know this mornings post was really wierd. I do feel lonely sometimes true. But you know I don't know its ok, sometimes we need to be lonely so that we can appreciate who is there. I went out with Brian tonight and it was cool and I think the farm's about to get a lot more fun, like we're going to have some fun times soon. I think thats it more than anything last year the farm was soooo cool Tim would be there when we came back everyday with a new invention and we were stoked. We spent the afternoons riding and shooting and chilli and eating. Now it looks like the farm is trying to find a new soul, not Tim but the rest of us are going to pull together to make it fun. We're taking the boat out soon and me and Brian are going to go get a batterie for collies four wheel so we can start riding.
Im sorry for my earlier post you know who you are! I guess I was taking all of my stresses out on you even though I didn't realize it.

I don't even know what to say. I thought two days ago I would be working the next 14 straight days and then I sit here today and Im not working for three days, which in my eyes is good. I used to get such enjoyment out of my job. The money was always good and the customers would come and talk to me, but now i can't stand it. I sit at the stand all day trying to be that same peppy kid i used to be selling produce to older people but I can't. I put on a fake smile for them and they can tell that I don't want to be there. Its lonely, Jessica you don't know how right you were when you asked me that. I can't take it! This spring when I started I had motivation to see every day through, it was you who got me through work everyday. Now my motivation is literally to stay alive, to make it to college.
Now everywhere I go Im reminded of you, The stand in Raleigh where you would come visit me, Six Forks which I drive by everyday is where you go to church, the songs I listen to in my car the same ones that we listened to (you were the only girl Ive ever met that actually liked them), the balloon that you drew on that still hangs from my rear view mirror, the glass on my dresser that we both finger printed, Aerospace Engineering my major reminds me of how you like planes, the bon fires at work tell me of your pyromania and that day Tim was acting gay, THE FARM I had never seen it all like that before, and finally my friends the ones I bragged about you to allllll the time about how great you were and all the things you could do and enjoyed, the friends that now laugh behind my back because you aren't here. And the worst part is that I would rather live with the pain then forget all of those memories.

Days of Summer

I haven't forgoten about this thing, Ive just had other things to do. Ive made it through the first month of what many consider to be the best summer of their lives. Im a third there, and once Im there I dont think there's any turning back. These past few weeks I have been a real ass-hole to those that love me, My mom and dad in particular. When I come home from work my mom berages me with a list of questions that I don't want to sit and answer so I just walk away. My dad and I have always swam at the pool ALL the time thats just what we do play at the pool. I've been to the pool with him ONCE this whole summer. I didn't even go on fathers day, what kind of son am I? Its not like I have anything better to do, but I just don't enjoy those same things that I did with them before. Its weird I don't even really want to hang out with the two guys that were like brothers to me all those years, I guess Ive just gotten used to them not being around. Im going out with some friends tommarow so that should be fun and Ill probably be back later!

Cyclicicty

I woke up this morning pretty siked I don't know why but I was. My aunt just flew in from San Diego yesterday so I trying to have fun with her as much as I can. We went to church and saw everyone off to Montreat, which was bitter sweet for me. It being the last year I could have gone, and I opted to stay home to work so I could take days off to go do things with Jessica. A piece of advice to everyone, don't plan your summer around someone elses schedule. Yet I dont think I regret it. Anyway, we then went out to eat and went to the movies,I haven't been to a movie in like a month so it was alright. Then we came home and I went for a walk, just a little mosey down the subdivision behind mine. I walked for a while cause I had nothing better to do, but then again what is better than walking just to walk? We all know the answer to that question and I thought about it the whole time. My mom and aunt came and joined me so I broke them into a few model homes that were being diplayed, but then I went back to walking.

It seems like I have been walking all my life, with out a destination, everyone tells me they know where Im going but I don't know if Ill make it. Im tired and my body can't walk anymore, not cause I couldn't have made it but because I always seem to find stragglers on the road so I pick them up and carry them till I get them over the mountain. Once I get across they keep on their path and I have to not only continue on mine but figure out which one it is. I thought God had sent me an angel on a ship and that would help me on my walk I could rest and we could float for a while, without having to wear ourselves out. I thought maybe I had found my road, and I still think I have, I just have to wade through the swamp a while and hopefully Ill find the ship or maybe a diffrent ship on the otherside. My friends have tried to help me wade through the swamp but they're all tooo afraid to jump in themselves. They sheepishly suggest I climb a tree and wait for another ship, one thats faster or fancier. But they fail to realize the ship I was on was on my course for at least the next 100 miles, yet all these other ships are sailing south, and I mean SOUTH. Maybe the river wouldn't meet the road I need to walk but it would have been an entertaining ride and I would have been rested again to navigate.

You said you needed your space

I wasn't where you wanted to be

I didn't stand in your way

I only want you to be happy

And so how surprised am I

To see you here tonight

Oh, cant you see

That for worse,

or for better,

We're better together

Please, just come back home

No, don't say that you're sorry

And I won't say I told you so

Sometimes in our life

We get to where we wonder if

The long road that we're on

Is headin' in the same direction

Well, when it comes to you and me

We're right where I know we should be

Oh, cant you see

That for worse,

or for better,

We're better together

Please, just come back home


How did this happen? Im going to go see Sarah tonight, I think but Im all confused again. How come I can help everyone else and I have the right answers but I can't do it? How did you slip back in?

"I thought you were just a passing storm, but nope it turns out i live in Seattle, its gonna rain and it isn't gonna stop but for a little while." Dan

I feel realy good right now!

I don't know how but I feel pretty damn good right now. I don't know mom and Sarah and I went shopping today and toward the end it was like the funniest thing ive seen with my nuclear family in a long time. My mom was cussing at the tea she got at Bojangles cause it had lemon and shes sitting in my car cussing trying to fish it out with out staining my car. lol Wow and Jessica came by to see me yesterday, which was cool then a bunch of people came by Stacey, tony, Lindsey, Richard, and Ms. Bost anyway. I don't know Ill probably feel like shit in another week but we'll see won't we.

Graarararar!

What do I want? What does it take to be satisfied? They say it is better to love and let go then to have never loved at all, but they never said it was easier!! Im consistently getting better, or was but the whole being alone at the stand for 8 hours a day isn't very condusive. I know Ill get better. I need somebody to lean on right now though, but who? Like everyones soooo used to leaning on me that they can't support me. Kaitlyn has been helping but shes REALLY far away, thats a long way to lean. I feel like im in that drama that I was always soooo proud not to be part of. Im exactly what i used to make fun of! I never understood how things culd change the way they do.
My problem is knowing too much and having too many diffrent feelings. Half of me understands that hey the summer probably would have torn us apart, YES I realize that! I KNOW that. But I don't feel it right now. The good old brain is losing a fight to the heart. A heart that says i haven't fought for much so I know i can handle a fight, my heart could have fought. I guess when she said that it wasn't for nothing she means she broke it off now so we might have a chance in the future? Could that be it, thats what she said before but it just seems weird? I hope so.
Another part of me realizes she wants to be free this summer, and I wish i could make her understand that i want that for her, I want her to be able to experience life over the summer, to be able to go out and dance with other guys at the beach, to be able to see what else is out there. I mean I want her to see it all, I wouldn't even mind if some dude started flirting with her, as long as she was honest with me and still cared about me.
Another part of me says you should go and don't look back. Just run like you've never run before. And I actually mean leave PHYSICALLY like go to California. But I could never do that.
None of these is my problem its the fact that I don't know what to do, and the fact that no one can tell me what to do cause NO ONE not even I know what to do. I even think that God's praying for me to hopefully do the right thing. I can only do what i think is right.

Purple Mountain Tragedy!

Well I just got back from Colorado, and it was A LOT OF FUN!!! But it did me some bad too. At first I it took my mind off everthing thats been happening the past month. I called Kaitlyn and Brittany like once the first couple days. We got to Golden and the Coors Brewery!!! and so I sent a text to like 10 people including Jessica, and you want to know who the first to text me back was? It was her. Then we went to the national park and it was SOOOO beautiful! This is were I got into trouble, every mountain I saw, every stream that ran, everything good about the park made me think, Oh I should get a picture of this so Jessica can see it. Then it hit me everytime how am I going to show it to Jessica? She probably wouldn't care. It seems like God is saying look at those beautiful Mountains and behind Mountain Number 1 Jessica, then the door closes; its like the Price is Right without the bidding. But Im still good though cause she is still there and Im still here and she seems to be happy with what ever shes doing this summer, which I guess is all that matters. If I can't cause her happiness and I only bring more pain for her then its probably best that I just disappear. I don't know though! I say this now but in two weeks what if i want to say hey. I guess there is no right answer, there is no Dr. Phil he doesn't exist or Oprah, THEY wouldn't know what to do.

Wow!!! im in colorado and everything is GREAT!!! Not. i wish it was. Its going alright but I can't stopp thinking about you. I do for a few minutes THEN BLAM "Oh this mountain is soooo pretty I bet SHE would like it, but NO I can 't even call to tell her about it. I don't know what to do Ive tried to let go like i have before but NO. I think its time to stop letting go, and not fighting. I fight at school when something goes wrong! So why not NOW. Because I cant hurt her more than I have, but i didn't hurt her she hurt US. But I don't care she was doing what she thought was right, and I think it WAS right and is right now. Next week Ill have to revisit this. Right now i have to enjoy myself to the best of my ability!!

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go.
Yeah Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E.
Fine but your love made me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money,
then you hung me out to dry It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes Chorus

Apiphany

Woah this past week is CRAZY!!!!!! I understand now why what happened, happened! This past week I have been sad about god breaking us up. Sunday I knew that she was just being straight up with me, but then when i got to school, you know how everyone is, they know whats going on and somehow make it seem like they know more about it than you do. So I was sad and weak and I let their opinions influence me and look what happened! I end up hurting someone i care about even more because somehow people influenced me enough to ask questions and say things that I nevr would have said in the first place. I became exactly what I spent my whole high school career protecting my friends from. So i was talking about it with a girl at my church because of coarse shes nonbiased, but we're friends so she tryed to help. So Wednesday comes Along and she calls to talk and Im like Im fine now but w/e we can talk anyway and she goes " No, I need Doctor Phil" so im like whats up is your old BF after you again and shes like "no." "My mom came in my room crying and talking about not being able to handle it anymore and she had all these pills" So this past week Ive been helping her with that and I will be for a while now, you see thats what it was God wasn't trying to hurt Jessica or myself, he knew that I needed time to give to someone else and he took Jessica's time cause as they say God is "Generous." I still think sometimes though "Why couldn't you just take Mark's time?" lol But now Im ready to help this girl and I hope that Jessica will still want to be my friend. I know it will be hard though cause I basically stomped on all the trust she gained in me. I want to be therefor Jessica too but I can't be there if she doesn't want me to and thats what i have to figure out.

Happy Sad

It seems so strange that only a week and a day ago I was on the top of the world. I was standing there with my girlfriend at prom having the best night of my life and I could do anything, then right as I said in my last post it was time to get side swiped, (how do I know things like this are going to happen?) I did, but it wasn't a bad side swipe, actually it was, it was just a diffrent kind. The kind that is bad, but you can't be mad about, which is the worst cause we all know how easy it is to be mad but to be sad without mad is kinda hard. I am partly happy though cause this past month has taught me things about myself that I didn't know, things that I hope that after a few weeks I can tell her but not right now. I know though that I have a great friend now that will always be there. For the next few months I am going to have to relearn how to live on my own without anyone, I know ill make it i just don't know how yet. Finally I will fulfill her request to try someone else because to be honest if I find someone else and I like them better than I like her than im better off anyway :) That actually makes me happy in some ways because either way I either know I get her which is something thats amazing or I get something Ive never dreamed of.

xbf

Damn it! then Bless it

I reallly realllly want to skip graduation practice on that Thursday SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOO bad, I mean WHO?????? cares if I walk across a stage to get a piece of paper? What I care about is seeing people when they come down to see me, and seeing Jessica that is all that matters in the next two weeks. I know we can do stuff when we get back from colorodo, but it just seems sooooo far away. I will have fun while im gone though even though I don't think I will. I just thought about it today, maybe Im holding on too tight; you know if you hold a pencil to hard you're going to get writters cramp, maybe im giving myself lovers cramps, I mean the pencil is fine in your hand; its not going anywhere. Am I wrong to to hold on tooo tight? IDK i just feel like maybe im squashing her but its only because im not going to see her as much this summer as i usually do so im trying SOOOO hard to see her as much as I can. (Feel free to comment) My life is still looking pretty well though, like i said the other day my life is looking on track; its the perfect time to get blind sided. I have a cool roomate Im going to do well in college I think, even though I wont have a car most likely ill still find ways to come see Jessica and she can come see me. Oh yeah and we have 9 days of school left, wow!!!

Doofus

I can't believe that yesterday and the day before I was slightly worried and today I am back on track. Tommarow I have the AP exam and thats gonna kinda suck but its alright cause thats the way it is. I think that this summer is going to be alright, even though both of us will be going away multiple times I know what she means to me and I am realizing what I mean to her and thats good. I AM fretting next year and leaving her back her in Wilton, but Im not as worried as I was because I don't have to look for what I want anymore, somehow it landed in front of me. I am trying to plan out the next few weeks though so that hopefully we can go do something one day soon! Saturday will be a long day which is ok because as long as all goes to plan Ill be able to see my favorite person in the whole world, even more favorite than Jonny Quest and Spiderman in one, later that evening and then spend the Sunday here.

Prom OH SEVEN!!!!

I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes,
Before I even realize the ride Im on
Baby Im long gone,
I get carried away nothin matters but bein with you,
Like a feather flyin high up in the sky on a windy day,
I get carried away.
~George Straight~

Yeah last night was the prom and it was bangin!! I had a great time, we did all the promy stuff we went to this place that I still can't pronounce, lol. I totally forgot about the shrimp plate at the prom cause I had more important things to attend to, like LICKING THE ICE SCULPTURE!!! I think my favorite part though was when just us went to the airport and could look out at the sky and the mini cities in the distance, I don't know I just feel happy just sitting there and looking at stuff and being able to talk about it. It was short lived though because my mom made me come home early cause I had to wake up early. :( I heard about Justin this morning from Jessica which now makes me more cautious everytime we go somewhere cause I realize it could happen to anyone. but overall it was a great night and so hopefully we can go back to the airport soon to ACTUALLY SEE AN AIRPLANE.

Tonight is probably going to be the longest night ever! I worked a while then Mark took us out. I have to work in the morning and then I get to spend the night with probably the best person I've ever met. Its going to be so hard to sleep tonight even though im kinda tired but Ill prbably be bcak in two days so till then!!

Woah 24 hours

I don't understand how some guys act! They piss me off the things they do, I guess Im just not "cool" enough to understand. Within the past 24 hours I have really thought deeply about how some many people in the world tarnish that word, to the point in which in means so much less than what it should. To the point in which those who eventually do decide to use it can't because it has been stripped of all meaning. I talked to Ms. Bost today and she kinda helped me to realize not to worry about it though. And I also realized that as much as I talk and I love talking, my favorite thing is listening. It does matter to what though. When you are listening to someone its always that much better, I dont know why but it is.

Diagnostic

Well today was the stupid diagnostic test for physics which wasn't so bad. I think I did pretty well I think. Jessica decided to skip school to avoid the test and I almost did too but I need to be at school so I don't fall behind. Speaking of school lunch sucked I ended up eating lunch at the senior cafe since jessica wasn't there cause me and JH were like uuuhhh Jessicas not here THIS SUCKS. So Im taking Joesph to church tonight so Im missing Jessica singing at church which really sucks but its ok cause she skipping church to come with me next week. YEAH!!!!! But ive gotta go vacum and clean the house.

Today we went to school as usual. I ran over and gave Will his glasses. Then I came back right as Jessica was pulling up. We went to classes as usual and then Tony remembers to tell me the Physics is due and so I scrounge to work on that. I got most of it done during lunch but I didn't quite finish. So after school I had to go to work which was supposed to stop at 6:00 and lasted until 7:45 so when we got home I mowed for about :45 minutes in the dark. So , tommarow I can go have a day to be. I can't wait till tommarow... I really need to figure out what we're going to do tommarow. I can't wait till saturday either. I am wrought with emotion right now but Im too tired to try to wxplain it so i shall tommarow most likely.

Im back

Last night I got back from Greensboro which was alright. Its really ironic how the world works though. The one weekend im gone jessicas mom is out of town. Anyway I got back about 11:00 and was almost home when I have to turn around cause I have somones bag. I called jessica on the way back but the phone kept cutting off and I guess she was tired so i got home. When I woke up this morning i headed for work and there i was till like 7:00. Jessica came to visit me at the stand which made me able to stand the rest of the day but my luck again those customers come at the most inopertune times and I didn't even give her the poper hello or bye, so that kinda sucks. I won't be as busy soon though so thats good. This weekend is prom and i am soooo excited, can't wait to see Jessica in her dress. but more on that as the week progresses.

Yesterday's post

Well yesterday was a pretty good day. I started by turning in my video project and doing the normal. We had the senior picnic and it was cool, but I had to leave lunch early to go. Finally after schoool I ended up mowing part of the yard and working on dinner. When my mom got back with my car I took it over to Jessica's and we went to the lake a while. That was probably the coolest thing i've done in a while next to getting a golf cart stuck in a field. I really wanted to just stay for a while but we had to get back. We went back and sat on the porch and just talked, just she and I it was nice as I said earlier in one of my entries its not what you're doing but who you do it with and that held sooo true. Finally I put my stuff in my car and got ready to leave. I tried to kiss her but I ended up looking like a doof I think. I guess thats the price I pay for being so selective, but its damn worth it. Then today began by my alarm clock waking me up at 5:00am instead of 6:00 am and so I worked on my take home test. When I got to school I ran around the school trying to get my signatures for NHS. When I finally got done the bell had rung and I found Jessica who was wearing this nice skirt ;). So we went to classes as usual and as usual ms. Yates gave us another project. We went to lunch and the other classes and finally when I was about to go out to her car at the end of the day THE office calls, so I had to go up there and I gave her the write up I wrote. I finally went to say bye and her car rider came up so she had to go but hopefully I can tell her bye tommarow. Off to work on some stupid book questions for spanish.

Wow!!!

Today was a hectic day!! I slept later than I have in the past two weeks, then I got up to go see my wonderful girlfriend sing at church. It was weird cause they were Baptising today and it took me a minute to notice the pool behind the pulpit. We went out to lunch and came back, the food was so good but the best part was just seeing her. When she got out of the car I never noticed it cause she usually wears pants but those were some of the hottest legs I've ever seen. WOW! and I almost said something but we were at church and it would have been inappropriate. The rest of the day really doesn't matter except that I just found out shes going to be gone a lot of the summer which is gonna kill me but I'll find a way. I don't know what to do without her its like a drug I guess Im becoming so dependent on. I am truly happy right now I think, I couldn't ask for anything else, I couldn't want anything else.

Long Day

Today was a long day I got up at 6:30 to be at work at 7:00. I got to my stand and found out my scale didn't work, my money box had NO cash in it and my stand wasn't set up all the way, then I looked at how amazing I've been doing this past month and everything was ok. I think I understand what people mean when they say that your life can litteraly 180 in a second. Anyway so I sold produce for most of the day then I went Tux shopping which was cool but I have to go back. I can't wait till prom!! I need to make sure my tux matches and stuff, but I don't want to see the pictures of the dress or anything till prom cause I want to be dumbfounded when I see her. I guess it probably seems stupid but its worth it to me! When I got back to the farm Coley wouldn't stop poping me with arubber band, man she can be annoying but shes still alright. Finally I finished my truck and left will at the farm to close and now I guess im here just thinking.

How do you do it?

Meet me in outerspace
We could spend the night, watch the earth come up
Ive grown tired of that place, wont you come with me
We could start again
How do you do it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, its better than I ever knew
Meet me in outerspace
I will hold you close, if your afraid of heights
I need you to see this place, it might be the only way
That I can show you how, it feels to be inside of you
How do you it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, its better than I ever knew
How do you do it, make me feel like I do
Do oh oh oh oh ohYou are stellar
You are stellar
How do you it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, its better than I ever knew
How do you do it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, make me feel like I do, yeah


I don't know how but just iming i'm affected. I can't explain it, its not queasy its like your falling fast but not in a bad way its like your chest is tight not like an attack like a giant hug from far away. Your multi tasking deseases and you can only think about one thing, that person. Wow!!! English needs to invent new words, better adjectives.

I am lucky.

I think that she hit it right on the head today. She didn't know it but I do. I came to school congested and tired, so I slept in my car. The next thing I know I forgot about being all sniffly but soon it caught back up to me. All day I looked like a sack of dirt, or horse doo or whatever. Then finally school ended and I put on the taxi sign and took a berage of "can you take me homes?" Finally when all was done I went over to her house, all sniffly again but again it cleared up but this time for a while. I think she truly does have a magical power I don't know how it works but I know it does and thats all there is to say about it. Again what would have been an exhausting day turned out to be wonderful all because of one variable. Thats the easiest math i've ever done: -1000+1 HER = amazing. That is all for now cause I have to do spanish.

Hold back

I'm trying really hard to restrain myself and it sounds weird but I know what im talking about and Im sticking too it but feel free to leave comments.

Tailgating

Wow! we cooked out before the baseball game today and it was so amazing. Hangin out with my friends is always cool, but then when you throw in HER, you can't descibe it! Like it sooo goood you almost don't want to feel it for fear that you're going to explode. Then we went to the farm were good ol tim was just chiilin'. The mexicans came in and that was cool cause its fun to talk to them. But then we went riding on the golf cart out on the big ol farm I made her guess all the plants which was cool, I feel bad though cause she probably gets annoyed with it but she doesn't tell me. My clues suck, and she still gets it right, I don't know if she could do anything wrong, ever. We met my boss who can be a turd sometimes but he wasn't and his daughter was nice too. I think that SHE has a magic power that just amazes people. Anyway then we looked at the rest of the farm and drove around for about an hour. I never knew it was possible to have so much fun doing stuff that seems so simple, but I guess its not what you do but who you do it with.

Well today was a pretty good day. Well except for missing lunch it was really good. If I didn't have to work today it would have been soooo cool cause then I could have hung out but thats the way life is I guess. Tomarrow we're going to go tailgating before the baseball game and thats going to be cool, but Adonia's coming so its going to be awesome. I don't think that my life could get much better except for the obvious things. Well off to state tommarow to see what ill be doing for the next 4 years, which is cool but also sad because I just found what i want, even more than going to state but again thats how life is. Im not going to let anything stand in the way though.

Life is GOOD. I'm not very good at writing and I probably won't be able to write on this thing a lot but anyway ill give it a try. I love my life right now. I think I found the on in 4.4 billion( thats the worlds population). as soon as things are looking up i have to do something else, I guess thats the way the world works. I guess Im going to have to get some money so I can come home like every day, I hope gas goes down. I wish I could quit school and work and evrythign else and go to some island were nothing cost anything and wed name it New Charleston, and we'd have a plane and I wouldn't even have to die to go to heaven.